Friday, September 12, 2008

I don't understand...

I know there are things I will never understand, but in a month with many struggles I feel a bit like my kindergarten son would feel if I enrolled him in algebra. Confusion would be created and questions would arise.

A month ago today I found out I was pregnant, not our plans, but obviously God's. After wrestling with the overwhelming news for a couple of days, I embraced God's plan and welcomed the gift He had given.

Two weeks ago tomorrow I was forced with returning the gift He had sent because of a miscarriage. The pain was and at times still is indescribable, the questions have no answers and thus I don't understand. I know God is in control, but it's hard...

Then this past Tuesday I was faced with an opportunity that most people would be ecstatic about - a publisher wants to publish my book. Rather than excitement I have fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what other's will think as they read personal thoughts straight from my journal, and fear of how my mom will react when I tell the world about the importance of spiritual mentoring and the role my "spiritual mom" plays in my life. I don't understand how an answer to prayer has me feeling like I'm in a place of despair...

Finally, last night a close friend who's only child is 3 days younger than our little Jaylyn, called to tell me we have something else in common. She experienced a miscarriage yesterday and now rather than experiencing pregnancy together again and watching our children grow up together, now we have playmates in heaven. I don't understand...

So what do we do when we don't understand? A question I've asked all too often here lately, but I was reminded of the answer today on Lelia's blog - we praise Him. Our circumstances may change, but He never does. Even when life seems bad, He is working for our good. He is worthy of my praise even though I don't understand.

4 comments:

  1. Found you through Leila's blog - we will be doing the online study together!!!

    I am so sorry for your loss... you are a true witness to Him - in your time of loss, your time of not understanding you praise Him!

    God Bless you and your friend during this difficult time. Lifting you up in prayer and thanking Him for you, your faith and the little one He welcomed into His arms.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss! I know you will see your perfect baby in Heaven one day.

    "Visitor From Heaven, gift to be returned..." I found your blog via blogspot.com (Google search). Please visit my blog at: http://gosplgirl.livejournal.com/
    if you'd like.
    God Bless!
    Judy

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  3. I found you through Lelia's blog, as well.

    I have no words to say that understand what you are feeling. But I hurt with you and for you. I know it sounds so easy from a complete stranger, but from what I have learned, we can ask why but we may not ever get the answer here.

    BUT HE is faithful, that I know for sure. Even through the aching heart and the tears - even if you can only whisper it in prayer - put that hand over your heart and believe "My JESUS loves me, this I KNOW".

    Praying for you,
    Teri

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  4. Hi Jill, I'm very late coming to say hello from the comment you left on my blog a couple weeks ago.

    I am so sorry for the roller coaster you've been on since then! I am glad God is making Himself real to you during this time and you are able to draw near to Him.

    Congratulations on the interest in your book! I know how exciting and overwhelming it is to reach that point. You probably have lots of resources of people who can come alongside you in the process, but if you need any encouragement or insight, I'd be happy to assist too.

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