"It's Time"

Yesterday my grandma passed away...I can't describe all the emotions that I feel, and my kids do too. But even in the pain, I'm grateful for the whispers from God and the reminders of His love and presence. 

This is a time that's hard and full of tears. But as my grandma told me a week ago, "We're all born and we're all going to die...we have to take it as it comes." We hear something similar in Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest." 

That reality brings these words to mind -

“It’s Time”
It’s time –
for us to grieve and cry and
for you to smile and rejoice.
We miss a woman we love,
but for you the pain is gone.

It’s time –
for us to mourn the life that was lost and
for you to see the ones you’ve missed.
You’re no longer with us,
but you’ll forever be with ones you love.

It’s time –
for us to say, “Good-bye” and
for you to say, “Hello.”
We will tell our grandma farewell,
but you’ll see Jesus face to face.

It’s time –
for us to wait and wonder and
for you to know what is to come.
We look forward to heaven

knowing you will meet us there.

Friends, thank you for the prayers you prayed for my grandma as she fought the fight with cancer. Now, I ask for your prayers for the family as we walk through our battle with grief. Thank you and God bless.

I kind of feel like David...

I've been struggling...my grandma, a woman I love and one who's impacted me greatly, is in a battle with cancer. Over the past two weeks things have changed quickly and now her body is slowly shutting down. Doctors and nurses have predicted she has X amount of time left, but we are being reminded only God really knows the number of her days.

During this time of waiting and wondering, I grieve, I cry, I pray and I remember. I remember so many things - sleepovers, ice cream before bed, shopping trips, picking eggs, teaching her about basketball, her teaching me to sew, her apple pies, her stays when we brought a new baby home, the way she teased and made me laugh, lessons on making tomato juice and rhubarb jam, her baby blankets, holiday meals, Christmas at her house... I'm thankful for the memories, the lessons and the love.

I also remember who my grandma was - a woman with a heart to serve, a gift of hospitality and ability to love. She has touched many lives and blessed many people, I'm grateful to be one. She's a woman who was strong, diligent and willing to help. She set an example, I pray I can follow.

I think about the things I will miss - stopping by for a visit and always having lunch, calling her with a question  when I'm in the kitchen, her stories from the past, her apple pie and strawberry jam, birthday cards, watching her love on my kids and I'm sure the list will grow in the weeks to come.

These thoughts, they make me sad, but I know they are part of life. In the last conversation I had with my grandma she said, "We're all born and we're all going to die. We have to take it as it comes." I agree with her statement, but the fact that it's a reality doesn't make it any easier.

As I feel myself getting hit by waves of grief and emotion, I've thought of David. In 2 Samuel 12, David's son is dying and he pleads with God to spare the boy's life. For a week, David fasts, grieves and pleads with God. While the boy is dying, he's aware God could still perform a miracle. He has hope that what seems inevitable could change.

Friend, I feel the same way...the medical world assures us my grandma doesn't have much time left on this earth, but I believe God, my heavenly Father, could use His resurrecting power and heal her. Just because I believe that and my kids continue to pray for it doesn't mean He will. Regardless of the outcome, I trust Him and His plan.

If He chooses to call her home, I hope and pray I will continue to feel like David....After the baby died, his attendants were concerned David would do something desperate, but instead read what happens, "Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes,he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’  But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:20-23)

Friend, once my grandma breathes her last the same will be true for me...I can't bring her back, but the other day she assured me she was ready and because of a relationship with Jesus myself, I am too. So even though the tears fall now and the immediate future will probably include more sadness, I know I too will go to her in heaven.

I'm thankful for the hope I have in Christ, but I also appreciate the prayers from my brothers and sisters in Christ. So if God puts it on your heart to pray for my grandma, her 6 children, 15 grandchildren, numerous great grandchildren and even a few great-greats I would be forever grateful!

Grandma B and all the Biwer great grands!

Me, A Gifted Girl?

Growing up I was never in the Talented and Gift program. And I was never the natural athlete on the team. Did that mean I didn't have success in the classroom or on the court? No, I worked hard and was even able to earn some awards. Because of this, I developed a bit of a mentality that effort is more important than my ability.

This philosophy was being developed in the days before I knew Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, but these thoughts were not erased when I accepted Christ. Though God has done some work in this area, yesterday I was reminded He is not yet finished.

During a conversation with a friend, one whom I respect and look up to, words I didn't expect were spoken. She said, "Jill, you have a giftedness..." and then she went on to suggest a way for me to use that gift.

I didn't know what to say...she was verbalizing what God has been whispering, but that insecure girl in me, the one who always thought she was never quite good enough and became a Christian who's struggled with thoughts of not being worthy of all God wants to offer, she came back and wanted to doubt.

That doubt led to thoughts...

I couldn't do that. Friend, you're the one with the gift...you'd do so much better. Who am I to step out and do what does not come natural? Even if I do, others may think I'm prideful, the humble thing is to step back and stay behind the scenes.

Friend, I had to remind myself these thoughts, they really have a better name...they are lies. Lies that Satan wants us to believe to keep us from doing what God created us to do.

Over the last month, I've been researching and studying what it means to believe and God's been challenging me to live out my beliefs. I've learned that faith (belief) does something with Truth (God's Word).

So as I struggled with the idea of me having a gift, I opened my Bible. Here are a few of the verses I found -

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 4:10-11a

"Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you." 1 Timothy 4:14

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

I've claimed the Bible is true and have confessed to believe it, perhaps you have to, but we must remember there is more...we must live it. James 2:17 tells us, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." 

God's Word tells us He's given us gifts and it instructs us to use the gifts. God, the Creator of life, even tells us why we must be who He created us to be...to bring Him glory. This motivates me, how about you?

The question is, "Does it motivate me (and you) enough to not just accept the gift He's given, but use it too?"

I'd love to hear your thoughts! And in closing, I'd like to encourage you to do what my friend did...today share with someone the gift you see in them. I believe God can use your words to speak life in the same powerful way He used my friend's.

There will be a day...

"There will be a day" is a phrase that has run through my mind lately, put there by circumstances in my life and two powerful songs. Jeremy Camp has one titled the same as this post and Cheri Keaggy has one titled, "There Will Be One Day." Each of these songs speak to the fact that one day there won't be anymore death, suffering, pain, fear, trials... All the things we try to avoid will be no more; that is a day we can look forward to!

But friend, as I've listened to these songs and looked forward to what heaven holds, I've had a new thought. When this day arrives, there will be opportunities that are gone as well. Opportunities to share my faith and confess my sins. A chance to witness to ones I love and ask for forgiveness from the ones I've hurt.

It's true, these days which bring stress to a farmer, ones full of rain and worry about when to plant will be gone. That's a reason to rejoice, but there's also a lesson here as well...one day the opportunity to plant seeds of faith, ones we know God will grow, will be extinct also. That's a reason to use our time wisely and do what God asks us to do!

When that one day comes, we'll be grateful the suffering is done and the trials are over. News of cancer won't bring us to our knees and tragedy will not take the ones we love, oh what a day that will be! But friend, if the ones we love don't KNOW the One who loves us that day will separate us forever. So yet another lesson...though illness and accidents can hurt the ones we love, don't forget they can open a door for us to talk about what, no Who, really matters.

I believe it's good to be excited about and look forward to that day, but at the same time we must remember to make the most of this day. Rather than longing for what lies ahead or waiting for the pain to end what can you do to prepare yourself, or someone else, for the day we know is coming?

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day 

your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house 

had known at what time of night the thief was coming, 

he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. 

So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man 

will come at an hour when you do not expect Him." 

Matthew 24:42-44

Is believing doing?

There were other words I'd planned to write, but rather than share some thoughts and insight God's leading me to share a story and make this a bit more personal.

Believe is a word that has been on my heart...I've looked up it's definition according to Webster and in the Hebrew and Greek; basically it means to trust. I've been thinking about what I believe, who I believe, how I struggle to believe and why, the results of belief and those of unbelief. 

Through this process, I've had the thought that our beliefs should make a difference; when I believe something it should have an impact on my life. So God's taken that thought and had me think about the Bible, a book that I believe contains the living, active Word of God. 

That belief is good, but God's showing me I can make it better...if I believe the Bible, which I do, that means I believe every book in it, every verse in it...even the ones that are hard to live out. 

Saying I believe these words, these Truths, can be easy, but friend - talk is cheap. God doesn't want me to simply say I believe, He wants my beliefs to become actions. And the world definitely doesn't need me to talk the talk; they need me, us, to walk the walk. When we contradict ourselves they eventually quit listening, but they never quit watching!

So these thoughts have been brewing in my mind and today, God challenged me to quit thinking and start doing. Life presented an opportunity to live out a verse...one I believe, or claim to anyway.

My plans for the day were not the same as the ones my husband was envisioning. And as we discussed what would take place the day looked less and less like I expected and more and more like what he wanted. I wish I could say my desire to live out my beliefs took over at this point, but that's not the case.

The day went on and my attitude grew worse...I focused on my loss and what appeared to be his win. I thought about what I wasn't doing instead of embracing the opportunity I'd been given. My husband even made this statement, "I knew you were upset with me, so I just stayed out of the way."

Let's just say those are NOT the words a woman who's trying to follow hard after Christ wants to hear. But friend, can we admit that sometimes the words we need to hear are the ones we'd never choose to have spoken?

That was the case for me and my husband didn't have to utter another word because God picked up where he left off. He brought to mind a couple of verses and they, along with thoughts of living out my beliefs, cut to the heart...

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord." Colossians 3:18

and

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters..." Colossians 3:23

I believe these are God's words given to Paul, I believe they are commands that are meant for good and I believe they are for me. I believe all these things, I've said that, but today my friend, I didn't live out my beliefs. And I'm left wondering, If I don't do it, do I really believe it?

I don't think I threw away my beliefs this afternoon, but I made a choice to believe I had a better way. I chose to live out of the flesh, strive for my selfish desires and then grumble when they weren't met instead of living in the spirit and depending on God to help me do what I believe.

I read somewhere that belief leads to obedience and unbelief, well that leads to sin! With that, can I encourage you to look at the path you are on...your beliefs and the choice to live them out or ignore them are leading you somewhere. Praying for you, and for me, that God will help us believe Him, strengthen us to obey Him and make us more like His Son, the One who always BELIEVED Him!

A Modern-Day Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a little girl who grew up going to Sunday School and trying to be good. As she grew, she was confirmed, taught Sunday School and fell in love...with basketball. The game was her life! Though she had some success on the basketball floor, there were struggles elsewhere. The girl felt like she wasn't good enough and often cried herself to sleep.

Though times were lonely, life moved on. She went to college and the love of her life went with. She continued playing ball, but even though that goal was met the sadness remained. It grew when she suffered a career ending injury the end of her freshman year. There wasn't just sadness, but frustration too as she wrestled with the "Why's?"

Again life went on and eventually it seemed she found an answer - "Why the injury?" It helped her make a decision - with her playing days behind her, it made sense to pursue a career in teaching and coaching. Before graduation she had a chance to practice her future role and found joy in the path she had chosen, and confirmation that some of her teammates were right, there was a reason for her injury. She could now reach out to her players when they were hurt.

With this new found knowledge time passed - she landed a real job, was teaching her own class and coaching her own team. Goals were met, but yet there was something missing. She thought, "Maybe it's the love of my life" - basketball wasn't the same and as classmates were married, she wondered if she'd ever even date! The times of loneliness added to the sadness that had never really gone away.

That was bad enough, but feelings of failure pushed her deeper into the pit that was already there. By September of her second year teaching, depression had taken over. The little girl who'd never quit on the basketball court was ready to quit in the game of life. One night she came home full of frustration and feeling worthless, so she pulled out a journal to write some final thoughts. She sat on her bed scribbling, sobbing and shaking, so much so that everything she'd tucked in the book fell out.

The thing that caught her attention was a thank you note she'd received from a parent of a girl she'd coached. This mom thanked her for encouraging her daughter thru an injury and being a bright spot in her life. The words were enough to shake her up a bit more - she then reached for the phone instead of her keys and called for help rather than going on a ride that would end it all. Her teammates were right, there was a reason for the injury, it helped save her life.

The girl's parents came, listened and offered to help. She was diagnosed with depression and the medication helped, but the real cure was soon to follow.

One day she was home alone when she picked up her roommate's book, "I Kissed Dating Good-bye". With one date on her resume the girl knew she didn't need any help, but still she read on. And as she did she began to understand the reason for her loneliness - it was because she really didn't know Jesus.

And as she read about Him being the first love of her life, she knew what she wanted. So one day as the 90's were slipping away that little girl did what Paul describes in Romans 10:9, "Confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, and you will be saved." She prayed to receive Christ and committed to living her life for Him.

Well, as you know the "little girl" is me and if you're wondering about the happily ever after...the story is not yet over, more joys will come and the trials will too, but one day there will be a happily ever after when I meet my Savior in heaven!

Friend, I know life is far from a fairy tale, but I pray you know Jesus as Lord and Savior so that someday you too will experience your own happily ever after!

Small phrase...Big message!

I recall Christmas days from my youth...back when I thought the biggest package contained the best gift. The rationale most kids have - the more of whatever it is in the box the better. I've progressed and now understand the truth in the statement - great things come in little packages!

So why then was I surprised when God used a short verse to bring me a big message? I'm currently participating in Wendy Blight's online study titled, "Quiet my Anxious Heart" and this week we've focused on the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. The other morning I read John 11 out loud to the kids and then they decided to act the story out, which was fun!

As the day came to a close I had plans to dig into our homework for the week, but life on the farm and my role as Mom changed that. Waiting was a topic Wendy had brought up and now I realize God was asking me to do just that. At the time I didn't make that connection, but instead just felt the frustration that comes with things not going as I planned.

So I went to bed and though the study questions weren't in front of me, the story was still on my mind. I sensed God had something to say, so I asked, "Lord what message do you have for me in this story?" I'm not sure what I expected, but I know it wasn't what I heard - "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)

Honestly I was surprised and even a bit disappointed. This, the shortest verse in the Bible, is what God had for me? Why? It was as if the Spirit heard my unspoken question and the thoughts continued, ”Jill, Jesus cried, He showed emotion and God used it.”

It didn't take long for me to understand why that was His message for me, the girl who showed little to no emotion all thru school. The young woman who struggled with depression, kept her feelings silent and tears hidden for years. The Mom in her 30's who still has a hard time shedding tears in front of friends, sharing from the heart with passion and expressing joy for what God has done.

As this lesson unfolded in the dark of the night, I did what Jesus did, I wept. First of all, I was in awe of how God worked...I'd went to bed frustrated thinking I had to "wait" to hear from God, but He was showing me He had a purpose for the wait! There was a message He needed me to receive and a truth I needed to remember - He's always ready to speak, I just need to listen.

God knows I have a heart to follow Christ and He used these words, two simple words, to teach me how to be like Him. With this short statement I'm reminded that it's OK to cry, Jesus did and God used His tears. Jesus' tears showed his love for Lazarus and I believe for Mary and Martha too. And friend, God can use our tears as well.

I've always struggled to verbally thank friends who've poured into my life because I fear shedding a tear. A few years back I'd found the perfect gift (the only ones I really enjoy giving) for a friend, so I wrote a little note, handed it to her and didn't say a word.

She read the card and started to do what I was trying to avoid; I said to her, "I'm sorry for making you cry." Her response? "It's OK, I cry all the time. It's good."  At the time those words made no sense, but I do remember her actions touching my heart. I was beginning to realize sometimes we say more when we say nothing at all.

As I continue to walk in faith, God keeps drawing me closer and is making my heart tender. I pray He makes me more like Jesus. A man who did much, a Savior who was strong and a friend who wept.

Today may I encourage you (and especially myself) to be real, share from the heart and not be afraid of the emotion God gave us to express.

And to you my blog reading friend, I'd like to say "Thank you!" I appreciate the time you take to read the thoughts God puts on my heart and the comments you leave to share the ones He gives to you as well!