It seems there is no name for the title of this post - one I'm not even sure how to write. The past 2 and a half weeks have been full of emotion, ups and downs and plenty of waiting. But today the answer came.
I was looking for an answer, but not the one I received. Yet I know I must trust the One who gave it to me. You see just over 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. The unexpected news created overwhelming feelings, but also joy.
The fact that things were so different than my previous 3 pregnancies though created the questions. Initially they ruled out a tubular pregnancy and a few days later blood tests showed the pregnancy was going in the right direction.
The news should have provided reassurance, but yet things were different. This past week I wondered why I wasn't sick, tired or feeling pregnant. I tried to figure it out all too often, but now it doesn't matter.
At six and a half weeks, we've lost our little "J" and the questions continue and emotions roll. I don't understand, but I trust, what else can I do? Just yesterday I read Lysa TerKeurst talk about Psalms 86:11 - "Teach me your ways, Lord" and I believe though the lesson hurts, He will teach. After all He has lost a child too.
So as thoughts of this child I barely knew linger in my mind, the what if's do too. I'm reminded of a poem I wrote for a friend not even a month ago, who had lost a child. I never knew I'd understand the words so well.
I never saw your face
and I never knew your name.
I never held you in my arms,
but you'll never leave my heart.
I never saw the dreams unfold
and I never saw your smile.
I never taught you about life,
but I'll never lose the lessons I have learned.
I never said hello
and I'll never say good-bye.
I never met you here,
but I'll always be with you in heaven.