Saturday, August 2, 2008

I don't deserve this...

The other day I closed a post with the same question I had started with "Why me?" I wasn't asking the question the way we normally do when something bad has happened, but instead when God was asking me to do something big, maybe even something that others view as exciting.

But as for me writing a book is a bit frightening, especially when it involves my personal story. The idea of the world having the opportunity to read words straight from my journal scares me a bit. Enough so that I once told Job, my husband, after one of his many pep talks, "How can I do this, I don't even let you read some of these entries!"

So even though the possibilty of putting myself out there makes my stomach turn from time to time, I still believe in the message that God has put on my heart. So much so that I have submitted, put the words on paper and even shared them with a few others.

Though I have taken that step the question doesn't end there, it actually becomes more complicated. It's no longer just "Why me?", but "Why me God? I don't deserve this. Someone else could do it better, someone else is more equipped to speak about their story, someone else..."

I suppose we all play the comparison game, but as God continues to call me, I find myself doing that more and more. I look at those who have already arived at the destination and they seem to have it all together, so again, "Why me?" I see those who have similar dreams of sharing their faith with their writing and it appears their desire is stronger and fear less. The broken record just continues, "Why me God - there are others who are willing and able!"

It's not that I don't want to, really I do, but I doubt myself and worry about other's opinion. I know, two things I don't need to do and should not do, but...

As I wrestle with these thoughts it seems satan can take things a step further and at times I not only doubt my ability, but my worth as well. And the question starts again, "Why me God? I don't deserve this, it's an honor to serve you, someone else deserves that more than me."

Like I said I shared this thought in a previous post and one comment has been in my head for awhile. Michelle said, "From the statement "I don't deserve to do this." I thought of course you do because He deserves all the glory you will bring Him."

Wow those words went to my heart, once again it's not about me. Whatever God blesses me with, whether it be eternal life or the opportunity to serve, I am not deserving, but He is!!

1 comment:

  1. So much honesty here Jill. Have you purchased the book For the Write Reasons? Mary Beth Whalen from P31 is the editor of it. It's a 30 or 31 day devotional for writers. VERY encouraging. Proverbs 31 has it for sale on their website if you don't already have it. I would highly recommend it to anyone trying to obey God in the field of writing. Just remember, it's not about Jill, but all about God. I once heard: We are just the straw to a really great drink. :O)
    Let Him use you my friend and be amazed what He'll do with "your" story.