"Who am I?" - They were going to call me Clay!!

Growing up I can recall a conversation my parents, sisters and I had about our names. If I would have been a boy, my parents planned to call me Clay Matthew. The name was in honor of two of my great-grandfathers, but as a child I remember thinking, "Clay? Really?" In my mind clay was too close to dirt and I was thankful for the name I'd received.

So now we fast forward to this past July and I'm the Mom naming my son! You guessed it, I did what I was grateful my parents didn't do - our son will forever be known as Jesse CLAY Beran!!

Daily my other two sons prove that boys have no problem with dirt, but that has nothing to do with the reason for the name.

Nearly a year ago, we found out we were expecting; honestly I was a bit surprised and if I thought too much I became a bit stressed. But God had it all in control, this was obviously part of His plan and yet another experience He was going to use to teach me.

The "Who am I?" question was on my mind back then and during one of my overwhelming moments He gave me an answer I didn't expect. One day I found myself reading Jeremiah 18 and I realized the name I never wanted was one God used to define me.

Verses 3-7 say, "So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel."

I read these words and it was as if verse 6 became real personal as I heard God whisper to my heart, "Can I not do with you, Jill, as this potter does?" I am clay in His hands and friend so are you.

This is an important answer to understand as we seek to know who we are. Accepting this truth is critical in becoming who God created us to be! As I return to the passage above, the words - "shaping it as seemed best to Him" are ones I love. These bring peace and joy.

And honestly tonight they bring tears...you see a year ago, I wasn't so sure about this being clay business. In a way I was trying to form my own pot - I had my own plans and ideas about how I thought my life would unfold. Friends I'm sorry to say that didn't include our little Jesse Clay.

I'm so thankful God knows best. I'm grateful He is patient with me. Again and again!! I'm in awe of how He works! I'm appreciative of how He continues to show me who I am!!

Though no one has ever called me, "Clay" it's comforting to know there is a potter who holds me in His hands and does what's best for me!! (Even when I don't realize it!!) And with tears, I'll add I'm blessed to know He holds my little "Clay" as well!!!

Day 14 - "Who am I?" - Where the journey begins...

As I walked down our gravel road, my mind began to reflect on all that God was doing in my life and honestly I was amazed. He was doing things I never expected and at times ones I didn’t feel I deserved. I thought about the privileges and responsibilities He had given to me as a wife and Mom, along with my role on a women’s ministry team. On top of this I was in the process of publishing a book. Personally I did not feel worthy and on that lonely, quiet country road I can remember saying to God, “Who am I? Why are you blessing me? Why are you using me?”

Instead of an answer to my question, God shifted my thinking with the same three words as He whispered to my heart, “Jill, Who am I?” From that point on, He’s been showing me the only way to truly understand who I am begins first with knowing Who He is and knowing Him in a personal way.

For years, I didn’t understand this and perhaps you can relate. I grew up going to church and believed there was a God, but that was as far as it went. During that time in my life, the God I knew was a distant figure who was keeping score of all I did right and especially all I did wrong. As a child I sang, “Jesus Loves Me,” but the feeling I most often associated with God was fear.

In my high school and college days, I sensed God was there, but still believed I needed to earn His love and most days felt I wasn’t worthy of His approval. Though I lived with that hole in my life, I walked through most days with a smile on my face, all the while hiding the hurt in my heart.

I don’t specifically remember asking the question, “Who am I?” but I know it was part of my inner struggle. As a teen and young adult, I struggled with depression and loneliness, two battles that God eventually used to draw me to Himself. Through a series of events and some fellow members of God’s family, God revealed Himself to me in a powerful and personal way.

It was then, in my early twenties when I took the first step to really answering the question that we all ask. The only reason I was able to start this process was because I finally realized where the answer was found. My roles, friends, family, success, effort, nothing but God Himself could define who I was. And friend the same is true for you! How have you answered the question, “Who am I?” Let me encourage you to look to God for an answer to your question!

Day 12 - "Who am I?" - Me, a soldier??

"I may never march in the infantry,
ride in the cavalry,
shoot the artillery,
but I'm in the Lord's Army,
Yes, Sir!!"

Do you remember those words? Or perhaps you've heard your children sing them? It's a song my children love; they sing it with joy, excitement and a smile on their face. The actions are fun and the tune is catchy, but what about the message? What do these words mean?

Honestly I'm thankful, I don't have to march in rank - I'd be the one turning right when everyone else was going left!! And shooting artillery, let's just say my son laughs when I shoot his BB gun because I close my eyes!!

This song says I may never do all these typical "soldier" things, but I am in the Lord's Army!! So what does that mean?

In order to answer that question, my mind asks,"Why do we need an army? Because there is a battle!" And when we choose to follow Christ, we are signing up to serve!

Perhaps like me, you've never defined yourself as a soldier, but friend just like the children's song says, we are in the Lord's Army!! Though the song is fun and catchy, the reality is being a soldier is hard work.

Paul paints a picture of what it's all about, "Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets entangled in civilian affairs, but rather tries to please his commanding officer." (2 Timothy 2:3,4)

I don't know about you, but suffering wasn't on my mind when I accepted Christ as Savior. Soldier wasn't one of the labels I anticipated receiving, but God's word tells me differently. And as I journey on, experience tells me it's true - there is a battle, I have an enemy and he is roaming around ready to attack. (1 Peter 5:8)

Friend, we must be aware of this - it will happen, it is happening and the more we seek after Him and try to serve Him, the stronger the attacks become!!

Like any good soldier, let us prepare ourselves and put on the armor!! Take a minute and read what Paul tells us, then equip yourself!!

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Eph. 6:13-18

As a soldier, remember we are "more than conquerors" (Romans 8:37), may that encourage us to always respond with the same enthusiasm my kids do - when the commander gives us our orders let us eagerly and confidently say, "Yes Sir!!"

Day 11 - "Who am I?" - Not just another face in the crowd!

Today I was reminded of a post I wrote earlier this year and God's put it on my heart to share it once again, so I apologize if you've read it before, but perhaps like me you needed to read it again!!

I'm not sure about you, but for me God has bringing the idea of identity to mind quite a bit here lately. That's a good thing because remembering who I am is critical if I want to be who He made me to be!

As this topic has come to mind, I've thought of an answer I've given quite often to the question, "Who am I?" Through the years as this search for identity has taken place, in my mind I know I've asked myself the question and replied, "just Jill." With these two simple words I meant - I'm nobody special, I'm not popular, I really don't matter, I'm nobody important - you get the idea, I really didn't see much value in myself. I'd come to measure my worth by my achievements, appearance and acquaintances. As I played the comparison game I never measured up and merely saw myself as "just Jill."

I never really thought much about this until a friend responded to a message I left on her voice mail. I had simply left a message I'd probably left with hundreds of times - "Hi! It's just Jill, I was calling to..." Anyway this friend responded with words I have yet to forget! When the two of us finally connected, she opened the conversation with and I quote, "Don't ever say you are 'just Jill' again!" I heard her mother voice come out as I felt her scolding me!

We went on to have quite the conversation about how God sees us, how I am not 'just Jill' to Him. And friend if you've ever thought this way, today I pray you will know you are not just "insert your name" to God. He knows you and He knows me, chances are better than we know ourselves!! He created us and formed us uniquely and knows us by name! A name that is engraved on His hands. Let that soak in for a minute - He knows you!! Thus He, our Lord, our Savior, our Father, knows the answer to our question, so let's keep seeking HIM!!

Honestly that conversation with my friend changed my thinking, I don't believe I've ever left that message again, though there have been times I've felt like it. But what always jumps out at me is when I hear others say the very same thing on my voice mail or in a conversation. Really my heart breaks and I quietly think, "Don't say that! You are not just another name!"

As I wrap this up, the word 'just' really hit me as God brought to mind another answer I've given to our question. When I left my teaching position 8 years ago, I often found myself responding with these very words, "I'm just a Mom." Believe me, I know better now, but that's a conversation for another day, so I'll leave you with this, "What just response have you given to the question, "Who am I?"

Day 10 - "Who am I?" - Joy's lesson for the day...

Yesterday I shared a conversation I recently had with my 6 year old daughter and today we worked on how to respond if that happens again. To recap the story, Joy was hurt when two other young girls said she looked like a boy. She was hurt, I was hurt, but we've both learned a lesson.

That night as Joy shared her experience with me, I was determined to not let these lies and doubts (On a side note if you need help with this read Renee Swope's book, A Confident Heart) take root in Joy's heart like they had done in mine many years ago. This thought of roots led to another, my friend Kimberly is also doing a 31 day series; hers is titled, "Rooting Deeper." Her words have blessed me. (They'd bless you too, so visit her blog, "A Planting of the Lord" sometime soon!!)

Anyway my teacher mind got going and I thought how can I get Joy (and my other children) to understand this better. So today, the kids helped make a tree to put up on our school room wall. The entire time they were cutting and gluing, making branches, roots and dandelions, questions were being asked, "Why are we doing this? What is this for?" and on and on.

After talking about trees, I asked, "How are we like a tree?" The responses were varied with a few being quite interesting and then our lesson began.

We all gathered around our newly decorated school wall and I shared Joy's recent experience with all the kids. I asked, "Is she a boy?"

Her 4 year old sister looked at me like I'd lost my mind and said, "No!"

I responded, "Jaylyn, you are right! So were those words about Joy true?" Again I hear, "No." So I ask, "What is the opposite of the truth?"

My 8 year old answers, "A lie." And little Jaylyn adds, "They are bad!!" "Right again, a lie is bad, kind of like weeds in the garden or dandelions around the tree."

We then turned our attention to the tree that had caused so much curiosity. Only now there were words on the dandelions (as you can see art is not my strong point - they are the yellow lollipop looking things!!) and on some of the roots.

We talked how we are like a tree and our roots are what make us strong and help us grow and stand tall. But sometimes things happen in our hearts just like they do on the other side of the window - weeds creep in and mess things up.

So I asked, "What do we do with weeds in the garden?" Three little voices tell me, "We pull them out!! "Right again! So Joy why don't you come up here and pull out this weed!!" She thought that was great!!

But there was more, I went on to share when the weeds aren't there, the roots have a better opportunity to grow. Then we focused on one root specifically, one that said, "Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." Psalm 45:11

We read the verse, talked about what it meant and Joy added some construction paper so the root could grow!! I pray the one in her heart grew as well!!

Minutes ago I asked Joy what she thought about our tree or what this meant to her...this is what she had to say, "Somethings that people say might make me cry, but they're a weed. I need to think about that and try not to cry and remember God made me. My roots need to grow and that's stuff that is really true cuz He thinks I'm beautiful just like you think that too."

We ended the day with a new picture, one without weeds, but ladies I believe we all know the ones in our heart grow back faster than the ones in our garden!! May we all remember to weed them out, so our roots can grow and we can be who God made us to be!!

Day 9 - "Who am I?" - This matters...

Joy (6), "Momma, 2 girls at Awana's were laughing at me." I respond, "How do you know they were laughing at you?" "They were whispering and they pointed at me. Then they said I look like a boy." Tears fall before she can finish her sentence and mine begin before I start my response. She then continues, "It hurt my feelings and made me want to cry, but I didn't want to cry in front of them."

Last night's conversation was hard and it hurt. Why? I never want to see my little ones in pain, physical or emotional. And two, this took me back, Joy was verbalizing a situation I understand all too well. I've been there and though I hate too say it, sometimes I still go there.

No, this Mom of 5 hasn't been called a boy lately, but I do put too much value on what others think and at times find my identity in what they say. Which brings me to this series and the realization that it does matter.

You see just yesterday I found myself wondering, "Why am I doing this?" Honestly, though I find myself writing posts in my head quite often, I don't have much time to sit and put them on the computer. Then when I do, I can find myself wondering, "Why? Does anyone even read this?"

I had these thoughts and then God reminded me of our conversation before the month began, I hesitated signing up for this "31 days of" group. But God convinced me to do it, not because of the 100's (or 1) who would visit my blog, but for what He had to say to me.

Last night after my little heart to heart with Joy, I was reminded I have much to learn. This series about "Who I am" is important, I need to know (and my kids do too) who I am in Christ.

Stop by tomorrow if you want, Joy and I will be digging a bit deeper and sharing what God has to say to us!!

Day 8 - "Who am I?" - One who falls apart...

"One who falls apart" - I don't believe any of us want that to describe who we are, but if we are honest I think we all know it is true. Perhaps not on a daily basis, but it happens. Sometimes in big ways and others small, but regardless of what it looks like, the truth is it happens.

We are human and life is messy, sometimes we respond well and others, well we react in ways we are not proud of, we fall apart.

I'm not sure about you, but I don't like when this happens. I can visualize my little one building a tower of blocks - they work hard, they concentrate and spend a lot of time, but then it falls apart. They are frustrated, upset and want to quit. And in our house, when their siblings tower still stands, sometimes they feel like they're not good enough.

When I fall apart, I can relate to what my children experience. And it's that last thought that is the hardest - feeling I'm not good enough. But friends, let's take our eyes off ourselves and how we feel and consider falling apart from a different perspective.

Falling apart is something God can use. He has used my trials to teach me and through my falls He's proven He will lift me up. My pain has drawn me back to Him.

Join me for a minute and think about what happens when something is broken in your house. Let me give you an example, in the Beran house when something breaks our little ones immediately come to my husband or myself with the broken pieces and expect us to fix it. Thankfully most of the time that works, but if not we can take it to someone who can. Perhaps someone who created the item in the first place.

Friend, the same is true for us when we fall apart. We take what is broken and give it our Father, the One who created us and knows how to fix it. Our falls and falling aparts take us back to Him.

If our falling apart is the result of sin, we should "feel" bad, but as we seek forgiveness and repent God can make things new. If our falling apart is because of the hard reality of life, we will hurt, there will be pain, but God is bigger than that and provides peace that surpasses all understanding. Regardless of the why's of our falling apart, God is a God who doesn't change and works all things together for good!! (Romans 8:28)

To close I'd love to share the words of Josh Wilson's song, "Fall Apart." He sums it up quite well!!

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Day 7 - "Who am I?" - A song with the same title...

Casting Crowns has a song with the title "Who am I?"  Take a minute and read the words, the give
us a glimpse of what really matters when we think about the question!!

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I,
that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what
You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours,
I am Yours

Who am I,
that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who am I,
that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Now that you've read the words here's a link to hear them!!  

Day 6 - Am I educated or equipped??

It's only day 6 of our month long journey and I'm already amazed at what God has been putting on my heart. Over the last few days Acts 4 has been referenced at least 3 times, so today I've decided to dig into that a bit deeper.

We begin with Peter and John sharing the message and many believing. The next day they are brought before the Sanhedrin and asked, "“By what power or what name did you do this?” (Acts 4:7) In verse 11, Peter responds, "It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed."

These verses set the stage for what God has put on my heart and is another answer He's given to my question. Verse 13, the one that's been rolling around in my head says this, "When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus." (NIV)

The word "unschooled" really jumps out at me - the former honor roll, Dean's list girl who went on to be a teacher and currently instructs my own children. The NLT uses untrained while the KJV describes Peter and John as unlearned and ignorant men. So what does this mean for me? What does this have to do with you?

If my children read this it doesn't mean we are throwing our school books away, but it does mean we need to remember to use one book day after day, year after year! The Bible may not educate us or prepare us for calculus like algebra will, but it will equip us for a life that makes a difference!

What about you, are you feeling unschooled or untrained today? Don't let that keep you from what God is asking you to do! Spend time with Him and He will make a difference in you and through you just like He did with Peter and John!!

Day 5 - A girl who is growing up...

Recently my 8 year old son and I had an interesting conversation. It revolved around the idea of maturing, and he was struggling a bit with how somethings didn't just come natural for him. I tried explaining to him that it was a process and how sometimes he has a choice. I asked him, "When it's bedtime what do you need to do?" He answered, "Brush my teeth, pray and go to bed." Then I asked, "Is that what you did tonight?" "No." We went on to talk about how part of growing up is learning to make the right choice and doing it with consistency.

That night as I reflected on our conversation, I was grateful for my little guy's heart, one that is maturing before my very eyes. J.D. knows what is right and what is wrong, but sometimes chooses to do wrong. (What does Proverbs say about the foolishness of a child??) He can recite our family slogan, "Obey right away," but isn't always quick to live it out. He has a heart that loves the Lord and has a hunger for His Word, but understands it's easier to say I want to be like Jesus than actually do it.

As I thought about these things, I realized it was all true for me as well. And it should be, when God answers my question, He tells me I am a child, His child! So to phrase that a bit differently, I am a girl who is growing up.

Just like J.D. expressed the other night sometimes this process is hard, sometimes I fail, many times actually, but I have a Father who loves me and is way more patient with me than J.D.'s mother is with him!! In the way I want and try to equip my son to grow up and be all he can be, God does the same for me. He will be my strength, He offers me His wisdom and He gave me an example to follow!

But just like J.D., I have a choice! I must listen for my Father's voice and if I want to mature I need to obey Him. In the process of growing up I must leave childish ways behind. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

At the age of 8 my son realizes this is hard and I agree with him! How about you?? Today what one thing can you do to show who you are, a girl who is growing up and becoming more like Christ??

Day 4 - Me, A Sheep??

Growing up I lived on a farm where we raised sheep. I've fed them, helped shear them and trained them for the fair. Recently, I've helped care for orphan lambs once again as every spring my dad gives a few of them to my children. I guess you could say I have some experience with this cute, woolly animal!

In pictures this four legged creature is cute and in real life they can appear sweet and innocent, but from experience I know they are not the smartest animal. Nor are they brave. And compared to other livestock, they aren't the strongest either.

So when I read God's word looking for an answer to my question and He tells me, "I am the sheep of His pasture" (Psalm 100:3), I stop and wonder a bit. Me, a sheep? Really??

I type these words and can hear the comedian Ken Davis saying something about sports teams and how we've all heard of the Bears, Wildcats or Gators, but never the Sheep!!

But as I think about the sheep I've cared for over the years - the timid, weak, not always wise woolly animals who are usually quick to follow, but rarely lead I realize He's right (isn't He always!!), I am a sheep!! And friend, if you're looking to Him for answers, He'll tell you the same thing!!

Rather than focusing on what this says about us, let's take a minute and remember what it says about HIM!! If I am a sheep, HE is my shepherd!! He will provide. It's Him I can follow. He will protect. My shepherd will take care of me!!

Though we won't be cheering for the Sheep this weekend at the game, I'm thankful for this answer to my question! I never thought I'd define myself in this way, but since God's ways are not mine, He did! There is a reason, He knows anyone can look at a sheep and see they depend on their shepherd and that's exactly what He created us to do with Him.

So friend, what do you think? Do you see yourself adding this to your bio?? Even if you don't share it out loud when someone asks, "Who are you?" I pray you spend sometime thinking about what God means when He calls you His sheep!!

"Who am I?" - Where do I begin??

As I was thinking about the month long commitment I've made to ponder the question, "Who am I?", I had one thought where do I begin? It was then Genesis 1:1 came to mind and my mind focused on these 5 words, "In the beginning God created..."

The word created jumps out at me and reminds me of my little Joy, who is constantly being creative. Her skills are improving with each passing year, but I remember the times when I'd look at her drawings and ask, "Tell me about this." Those words were the result of me not knowing what she had created. Though I couldn't always see what she had made, she could tell me exactly what it was.

Friends, God is the same way. He is the One who created us, He knew my days, and yours, before they even began. (Psalm 139:16) He is the One who can tell us who we are!!

Let's turn to Him and ask Him, who He sees when He looks at us? He knows the truth! Let's do that today!! Please feel free to share what He puts on your heart and lets encourage one another with the picture He gives to us!

"Who am I?" - O-V-E-R-W-H-E-L-M-E-D

I've been away from my blog for awhile and the title of this post is part of the reason - I have found myself a bit overwhelmed at times! There have been moments this description of me has defined me - not always a good thing, but God has used this to teach me.

You see we are weeks, or possibly days from delivering our 5th child, and though I've known about this and had 8 months to prepare thinking about it still overwhelms me at times. I mean I'm the gal who survived on nutty bars, Diet Mountain Dew and macaroni and cheese my first couple of years out of college. I'm on the verge of being responsible for feeding 5 little ones - that alone is a scary thought!! It's not just the physical feeding (or cost of raising a family) that has consumed me but the spiritual growth and training I'm responsible for as well.

Then there are the events outside the walls of my home as well - the pain, the grief, the sin, the lost, the change...if I allow myself to focus on this in the wrong way the overwhelming feelings intensify! But, the other day as I took a walk down our quiet country road God reminded me being overwhelmed isn't always a bad thing.

Initially this thought surprised me, but then I was reminded of the times God has overwhelmed me and that is a good thing!!! I paused and took a moment to let this thought sink in and as I did I looked out across the field to see our cattle and God reminded me of His, "I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills." (Psalm 50:9-10) The thought of His resources overwhelmed me and took the worry of my lack of them away!!

My lesson in the great outdoors didn't end there, overhead there were birds and I was reminded of the sparrow, "Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31) God cares about the birds, He sees them fall...though others may be unaware of my struggles, He is in the midst of them. The overwhelming thought of feeling all alone was replaced by awe for the value my Father sees in me!!

Then an internal kick changed the course of my thoughts and God changed the reason for my overwhelming feelings. At times I've focused on the change that lies ahead and the work that mothering 5 children will involve, but as I recalled Psalm 127:3 my perspective changed. These words say, "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him." I was still overwhelmed, but now it was for a good, Godly reason - the God of the universe has chosen me to be these little ones Mom, that is unbelievable! They truly are gifts I must treasure!!

Thinking about the responsibility these gifts require is a bit overwhelming, but God kept the lesson going as I recalled Isaiah 41:3, "For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." This is not a job I can do on my own and when I think about it that way I am overwhelmed, but knowing God is there and not just offering His help, but assuring me of it, I am overwhelmed for a new reason. A good reason, a Godly one!!

Friend if you find yourself overwhelmed today can I suggest you take your concerns to the Lord, listen to what He has to say. Let Him overwhelm you with His love, His power, His provision and His strength!!

"Who am I?" - A Child

Have you ever thought of yourself as a child? Perhaps your answer is "Yes, I was a child, but I'm all grown up now." Oh wouldn't it be wonderful if that was the case!! The all grown up part anyway!!

When I think about this one of two things come to mind - pleasant thoughts or ones that can get me down. It really depends on what my children are doing at the time - if they are enjoying a carefree day, living in the moment and loving life the thought of me being a child is wonderful! I recently heard someone say, "Oh to be a kid again..." and I know they were recalling the life free of worry, days filled with fun and no responsibility, the joy of being a child. One who is cared for, given direction and loved simply because they are!

Then there are the moments when my children are being kids - ones who fight, don't always obey and are not quick to listen. The thought of me being a child enters my mind and occasionally I may think, "No, I'm beyond that!" but usually it hits me that the statement is true, in God's eyes I am a child and always will be!! Then I wonder do I frustrate Him like my children can me? I'm afraid I know the answer to that question!!

But rather than focus on my thoughts and answers, let's take a look at God's!! Scripture shows us He defines me, and you, as a child. Not just any child, but His!!

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 John 3:1

Will you take a minute and think about this verse? What does it mean?? For me, the word love jumps out! In 6 weeks or less, I will meet the child I am carrying - one I love! On that special day and in the ones to come, my husband and I will lavish love on this little one because he or she is our child!! Thinking about God doing the same to me, is pretty powerful!!

And now as I meditate on this verse, the next two lines hit me as well - His Word clearly states this is who we are!! I am reminded once again that only God can define me!! The final sentence teaches me as well; sometimes the very fact that I'm God's child will cause confusion because those who don't know Him won't always understand or accept me, His child.

Defining ourselves as God's children does more than create confusion! No, this very fact affects eternity!! God doesn't just call us children, He asks us to believe like them and have faith like a child! What does that mean? We don't need to have all the answers, we aren't required to analyze everything...He asks us to believe!! "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Mark 10:15

God also knows there will be times when we behave like the children we are, so just like my children are learning, we must remember our actions have consequences. When my kids sin, they know discipline will soon follow and with God as my Father, I can expect the same!! "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all." Hebrews 12:6-8

God disciplines me and you because He loves us! As we receive His love and find our identity in our role as His child, we are called and should be encouraged to share that love! "Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Eph. 5:1,2

As we grow and mature, we should become more obedient. This obedience should lead to a life that makes our Father proud and impacts those around us! "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky..." Phil. 2:14-15

Finally simply knowing that we are God's children doesn't paint a real clear picture of the future, there will always be some unknown, but as His children we can rest and be at peace because of this truth - "Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

Friend, can I ask you a question? What difference does it make that you are a child of God?

"Who am I?" - A Lady who is Loved

This is not the post I intended to write this week, but yet it's the one God has on my heart. Love is a topic that has been front and center the last 10 days - two Sundays ago our pastor preached on Colossians 3:14, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity," a friend made the following statement, "I pray you will one day realize the depth of our love for one another," on Memorial Day our 6 year old commented that she loved her "sister who was miscarried," I heard of a husband who just doesn't love his wife the same anymore, and our 4 year old puts her hand on my tummy, feels the baby move and loves the little one. And not to be left out, daily my husband tells me he loves me, and shows it too!!

How about you, what role has love played in your life this last week?? Perhaps it wasn't the topic that was talked about in your home, but even without words I'd have to guess it played a part. And actually if you are a follower of Christ, I know it was present, but today I want to ask you a question (or maybe two), ones that have been on my heart this last week.

First of all, "What is love?"

An on-line dictionary defines it as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

But the Bible which says God is love (1 John 4:16) says this, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love really is a big deal, but too often we focus on the worldly definition rather than God's. Love is more than a feeling, something that is subject to change. It's more than chocolate and flowers on Valentine's Day or even a ring and kiss on our wedding day. No, the English teacher in me is quick to realize according to God's word, love is a verb. If you're like my former middle schoolers and need a reminder - that's an action word! Love is something we do!!

As I walk down the road of life and press on in this quest to find God's answer to my question, I'm beginning to realize there are two sides to this action - it involves giving and receiving. Like the old saying, sometimes it is easier to give than receive. But it is hard to give something you don't have, so friend today as a child of God will you receive the love He has for you?

Will you take some time to pray, and when it's just you and God I challenge you to ask the question, "Who am I?" Then quiet yourself to hear His response. When He whispers, the words you dreamt about as a little girl, the ones you longed to hear as a teen, I encourage you to believe HIM. Friend, it's true, as a daughter of the King, YOU are a lady who is a loved!!

"Who am I?" - Others ask the question too!

As I walked down our gravel road, my mind began to reflect on all that God was doing and honestly I was amazed. He was doing things I never expected and at times pouring out blessings I didn’t feel I deserved. I thought about the privileges and responsibilities He had given to me as a wife and Mom, along with my role on a women’s ministry team. On top of this I was in the process of publishing a book that shared the role of mentoring in my life. Personally I did not feel worthy and on that lonely, quiet country road I can remember saying to God, “Who am I? Why are you blessing me? Why are you using me?”

Have you ever been there? Have you asked the question, "Who am I?" Have you asked God this question? I really don't believe I'm the only one who has, so please if you're part of the group share your story with me!

Today friend, I want you to know that it's not just you and me in this question asking club, because others have done the same.

Will you join me in looking at Exodus 3? Here we find the story of Moses and the burning bush, where God reveals Himself to Moses. But He doesn't stop there, no God calls Moses and instructs him to bring His people out of Israel.

In verse 11 we hear Moses's response, "But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Does that sound familiar?? A child of God questioning his call, ability and perhaps even his worth. I understand and am reminded of not long ago when my 8 year old son said to me, "Mom, you're a lot like Moses!"

Perhaps Moses was the founder of the "Who am I?" club, but he was joined by another great man of the Bible. Now let us turn to 2 Samuel chapter 7 - God has just promised David that He will establish his kingdom, one that will last forever. And how does David respond?

In verses 18 and 19 we read, "Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: “Who am I, Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, Sovereign LORD, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant—and this decree, Sovereign LORD, is for a mere human!"

I'm not sure about you, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in asking the question, "Who am I?" But I can find even more help as I read on...

Moses, who asked the question because he doubted his ability, heard some encouraging words after voicing his concern to God. Our Father, the creator of the world, had this to say to our frightened friend, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.” (Ex. 3:12)

God's response wasn't based on Moses's strengths, abilities or even his weaknesses; instead God knew all Moses needed was His presence! Friend, I believe He says the same to me and you today!!

We can also find insight in the next bit of David's story as well - we left off when David was wondering why God had brought him so far and promised him so much. I believe David is a bit like you and me, well aware of his faults, shortcomings and sin; perhaps he felt he didn't deserve all God was giving. But rather than dwell on this, listen to what David says next, “How great you are, Sovereign LORD! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. LORD Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you. Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, Sovereign LORD, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever.” (2 Samuel 7:22, 27-29)

Rather than focusing on himself, David turned his eyes and thoughts towards God. The truth of who God is, reminded him of who he was and when we focus on God, He will do the same for us. That doesn't mean we are deserving of the blessings and gifts He shares, but our God is a giving God and as His children we should receive what He has to offer with open arms rather than endless questions.

These thoughts remind me of a phrase our Pastor likes to use, "God says it, so that settles it!!" Friend, the next time you feel like Moses and question your ability to do what God is calling you to do or feel like David and wonder if you're worthy of what God is giving you, will you join me in embracing the idea my pastor shares? The truth is God will equip you for His calling and because of His grace we will be given blessings and opportunities we don't deserve.

I'd love to hear if you've asked the question, "Who am I?" What answer did God give you?

"Who am I?" - Man's Description vs God's Definition

Over a week ago on Facebook I posted the following question, "Using one word, how would you describe me??" I greatly appreciated the comments I received and the kindness in which they were given, but God has used them for more than a simple pat on the back. I knew He had a greater purpose - that's why I asked the question, but this morning I've been surprised at what He has had to say.

You see, back in January I posted the same question with the intention of asking it again...basically to prove that man's words can change and we're not always surrounded by the same people. And when I compare the responses from January to May, that's true...only 3 of the 20 plus responses were the same and only one individual commented on both posts.

God clearly showed me what I expected, but like usual He's done so much more. As I reflected on this list of words a few different things came to mind...I thought these people are my "friends", so granted not everyone would be as kind. Some of the comments were left by individuals I see once a week, but most were words from people I don't see very often, which made me think of a story involving Lysa TerKeurst. Last year as we prepared for our women's retreat (where Lysa was our guest speaker) a lady (who was amazed that Lysa was coming to Iowa) said, "You know Lysa TerKeurst is a pretty big deal!!" After sharing that with Lysa, she laughed and simply responded, "Tell that to my kids."

I could do the same and I'm sure, actually I know they could share times when patient, sincere and gracious did NOT describe who I was. All of this reminded me that others don't always know who I am, yes they can see characteristics, but God is the only constant...He knows me. Others can describe me, but only HE can define me.

The other day after helping make rhubarb jam, my oldest two were talking about the recipe - how their aunt might like the jam, but they knew how to make it and what was in it! In a way, I (and you) am like that jam - others may enjoy what I have to offer and appreciate who I am, but God, my creator, is the ONE who knows me and what I'm made of.

Others may describe me as humble, but He sees my heart and knows that is not always the case. Friends may see me as someone who is focused, but He knows the time I've wasted. I could go on, but I think you get the idea - GOD is the only one who can define me, which is why I must continually ask Him who I am!!

Today I'm realizing that there are two sides to that question - sometimes He builds me up with the wonderful answers He shares - I'm chosen, I'm HIS, I'm valued, I'm treasured, I'm beautiful... But there are also times when this question and the answer my Father shares is convicting. I ask Him, "Who am I Lord? Am I humble?" And He shows me what He sees, my heart, one that doesn't always make itself small, one that's not always like Him and that hurts because it is the desire of my heart to be Christ-like.

That's when the grace that flows from our Father comes into play and rather than allowing me to beat myself up with my failure once again, He reminds me of how He defines me - a child that He loves, a daughter whom He forgives and woman who is a work in progress.

I'm grateful for how my friends describe me, but I pray I will continue to focus on and embrace how God defines me!! Will you do the same??

"Be who you are!!"

Over the past couple of months I've been writing a series titled, "Who am I?" During that time I've been doing a lot of thinking and digging into God's Word. I've also been able to read a wonderful new book by Renee Swope, "A Confident Heart," which God has used to challenge and change me.

But this past week in church I was reminded that I have a ways to go - knowing who I am is not enough, I must be this person...at...all...times. Our pastor gave a sermon titled, "Be who you are." His message focused on Colossians 3:12 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." The message He brought was powerful and convicting, but God has used those four little words to remind me of even more these last few days.

It's one thing to know who I am, which I believe really is a never ending journey as I daily walk in faith, but I'm beginning to realize the more I learn about God and the closer I get to Christ the more I know about myself. And the thing is God doesn't just want me to know these facts and truths, He wants me to believe them, He desires for me to live them.

Let me explain...just last week I posted, "A Confident Heart - The Before and After Look" - words that shared the impact Renee's book had on me and my heart. The words I shared are true, God is changing me and answering my question - He is telling me who I am!! I am His child! A daughter who is holy, chosen and loved!! A daughter He forgives and has made new!

Since that is who I am, that is who I need to be, but late last week that wasn't happening - I found myself listening to lies, I willfully played the comparison game (and lost), I worried, I found myself overwhelmed and trying to take things into my own hands.

Looking back I realize instead of being who I am, I was living as who I used to be - the quiet kid with a fear of opening up, the good girl who put on a smile to hide the pain and the lonely child who isolated myself. I was the approval addict playing the comparison game and the consecutive losing streak assured me I was the weakest link. And after this cycle of events, I found myself back at the before picture - I was Ms. Doubtful.

THANKFULLY GOD works in wonderful ways, first of all though the lies were screaming (even louder than my 4 children!!) He kept whispering to my heart. His truth reminded me of His promises. Then He blessed me with a song, I know I've heard numerous times, but one that He personally spoke through on our way to church, "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. This line specifically hit hard, "For all the lies you've held inside so long, But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross." Yes, I knew I was listening to lies - the "you're not good enough, you're a failure, someone else could do it better...", but knowing they were lies wasn't enough, I had to let them go and drown them with Truth. As the song continued God reminded me of some of those powerful truths, "You are made for so much more than all of this, You're beautiful! You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His."

All these truths are good things, God honestly feels this way about me, and friend about you too, but if we stop at simply knowing them it really doesn't do much good. For us or God. We need to believe them, and then like my pastor said, we must be who we are - God's chosen people, ones who are holy and loved!!

Believe me I know it can be easier to live how we've always lived; it's work to replace lies with Truth, but God didn't call us to be His child to walk an easy road and on this journey He promises to always be near. So today I challenge you to make the choice to embrace who God says you are and then live like you believe it is true!! Friend don't allow yourself to be comfortable with who you've always been, we were made for more!! And like me, don't fear change more than you fear God - I know it's hard, but He is worth it!!

Today may we not only remember 2 Corinthians 5:17, but more importantly live it out!! "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"

A Confident Heart - The Before and After Look

Nearly two months ago, Renee Swope asked if I'd like to read an early release of her book, "A Confident Heart - How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God's Promises." I knew this was a message I needed, so I instantly responded "Yes, count me in!!" In her email she wrote, "I'm praying this book will truly bless you!" My response was this, "I know the book will bless me; my prayer is that it will change me." You see I've followed Renee's blog, appreciated her P31 devotions and had the privilege of working with her for our women's retreat - I knew God would bless me through her book as well. But I didn't just want to read about a confident heart, I wanted one for myself, so before I even opened the book I prayed for change. Now after reading the final page, I realize God has been answering my prayer.

I'll give you a look for yourself, I don't have pictures like a weight loss plan or make-over, but, I pray my words will paint a picture of what God has done internally, how He's changed my heart!!

The Before -

Growing up I was the oldest, responsible, good girl with what Renee calls the "disease to please." I wanted to make everyone happy and as I matured, I realized this was impossible. During those same years I struggled with what my future held - my sister was planning her wedding and I realized I'd only been on one date - I was lonely and feared that's what my life would look like. Added to the loneliness and need for approval were thoughts that I wasn't good enough, I'd never measure up and that I really wasn't needed which all eventually lead to suicidal thoughts and a diagnosis of depression. In that process, I didn't just find help for the imbalance in my mind, but also what had been missing all along - God revealed Himself in my suffering and at the age of 23 I came to know Him as Savior and Lord.

Obviously doubt played a role before I gave my life to Christ, so I want to specifically look at how it's impacted my walk as a Christian. I've always been the "Jesus girl" who was more than willing to encourage others - I could listen to their situation and rejoice when the news was good and remind them of God's plan when times were trying. I believed things would get better or not turn out too bad. God was in control right?!? Or there were the times when others would share their doubts, "I'm not good enough to do what God is calling me to do." or "Look at me, I'm not beautiful." I knew the words to share with them and believed they were true!

Then there were the times when the voice I listened to was my own - a new trial would come into my life and instantly there was worry - my mind would race and the what if's seemed to never end. The moments when God would call me out of my comfort zone - again there was doubt, "He's not really saying that. I could never..." God would tell you He heard it all!! Oh yes and don't forget the looks thing, I'm the one who would avoid the mirror every chance I had! And even in those moments when I'd push past doubt and talk about this (one of my forever struggles) I'd listen to what others had to say, but believe it, not really. I could see the beauty in all of God's creation until I looked at myself, that I doubted. When I doubted what was on the outside it was only natural to doubt what was on the inside as well.

It amazes me to think doubt is what initially connected me with Renee. Three years ago this July she was writing on her blog about doubt and asked what role it had played in our life. In the comments I simply wrote, "I'm afraid if I gave you the complete answer this would be a book." Much to my surprise she responded with an email (see I doubted a gal I heard on the radio would ever email me!!) wanting to hear more of my story.

After spending the night thinking about her question, God put the following words on my heart -

"Doubt"

It knocks me down

and beats me up.

It makes me question

and sometimes quit.

It causes me to worry

and even wallow.

It robs me of joy

and leaves me empty.

It prevents me from sharing my faith

and truly loving my neighbor.

It causes me to compare

and think I'll never measure up.

It fills me with regrets

and plenty of "what if's."

It leaves me discouraged

and sometimes even depressed.

It is one of satan's weapons

and one, only GOD can combat.

It reminds me I can't,

but I trust God will.

I read those words and they are true, doubt had a hold on me and really has kept me from being who God made me to be.

The After -

"A Confident Heart" is a book that has touched my heart and it's a challenge to sum up the difference it has made, probably because its impact is on-going. So for now, a look at "Who am I?" after reading Renee's words. I believe the best, well at least the fastest way to say it is this - Mrs. Doubtful becomes Confident in Christ! Only now this confidence has become a personal thing!

Like I said, before I knew God was big and powerful, but I didn't always believe that applied to situations in my own life. I knew God loved His children and thought they were beautiful, but those were things I associated with others, not myself. I also knew doubt played a big role in my life, but now I know it has played a role in every area of my life. I use to think worry and doubt was just part of who I was, something I had to live with, but now I know with Christ's strength in me it's something I can overcome. And at the same time, doubt is something that God can use to draw me closer to Him, if I let it!!

God has changed me as together we've journeyed through this book - the mirror is still not my best friend, but like I shared in a previous post, I am beautiful. It's taken me 35 years to say those words, but that is what God says and I believe HIM! I have always been one of my own worst critics and have been real quick to beat myself up, but I'm learning that I can fail forward and learn from my mistakes. I really am, and will always be, a work in progress! Finally as my heart becomes more confident, I'm reminded that I'm not "just Jill"; no I am God's chosen child, a daughter who He loves and has plans for! (Matt. 3:17, John 15:16, Jer. 29:11)

As I reflect and write these words, in a way I feel it's easier to see and understand who I was - an insecure, doubtful, worried girl who was always on the short end of the comparison stick. At the same time I am so grateful God is giving me a glimpse of who He has created me to be - a secure, confident, fearless women who is beautiful in His eyes. And friend I pray my words have given you a look at the change I'm experiencing because if God can do this for me, He can and wants to do the same for you!!

One great lesson I've taken from "A Confident Heart" is this - it's not about trying harder, but turning faster. God doesn't need me, or you, to try any harder than we already do. He's more concerned about us seeking Him than serving Him. And when those doubts come, and believe me, they are even more intense when we're aware and are trying to battle them, we just need to turn faster - turn to Him and remind ourselves of His truth and His promises!! Only by doing this will we know who we are!! And more importantly whose we are!!

Today will you join me in praying Hebrews 10:35-36?? These are powerful words, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

"Who am I?" - A Saved Sinner

Holy week is upon us and the events of these days are influencing my thinking. I ask myself the question, "Who am I?" and instead of seeing myself, my mind pictures Christ and what happened to Him years ago on Good Friday and then what God did through Him on Resurrection Sunday many, many years ago.

The pain He experienced and the power God displayed truly explain who I am. The beatings and torture Jesus endured would not have been necessary if I wasn't defined by a single word - sinner. Before we go any further lets define the word sinner - one who takes part in any deliberate action, attitude, or thought that goes against God. Knowing that let me ask you a question, "Are you a sinner?"

I can't hear the answer you are giving, but the Bible says it loud and clear. In Romans 3:23 Paul says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." I reflect on my life, my day, actually the last hour and I know that is true for me. I fall short. How about you??

With me can you define yourself with one word? That word specifically being sinner. Really it's more than if you can, do you? Will you acknowledge the fact that you've done wrong? Sure maybe it's not as bad as the lady across the road or the murderer you saw on the news, but sin is sin and no matter the degree it causes each and every one of us to fall short of the glory of God.

Because of this sin, that is a part of who I am, God in His righteousness could have nothing to do with me, but because of the love that defines who our Heavenly Father is, He sent His Son so my identity could be found in Him. Ephesians 2:8 tells us, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

God's resurrection power has changed who I am - yes, I'm still a sinner, but I am saved!!! Jesus died on the cross for me!! Just like God was able to raise His Son from the dead, some day He will do the same for me, His daughter!!

This week as you celebrate Easter I pray you find time to reflect on our question!! Think about who Jesus is and how knowing Him defines who you are!! May we each acknowledge our sin and be even more grateful for God's grace!!!