Saturday, August 30, 2008

The wait is over...

It seems there is no name for the title of this post - one I'm not even sure how to write. The past 2 and a half weeks have been full of emotion, ups and downs and plenty of waiting. But today the answer came.

I was looking for an answer, but not the one I received. Yet I know I must trust the One who gave it to me. You see just over 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. The unexpected news created overwhelming feelings, but also joy.

The fact that things were so different than my previous 3 pregnancies though created the questions. Initially they ruled out a tubular pregnancy and a few days later blood tests showed the pregnancy was going in the right direction.

The news should have provided reassurance, but yet things were different. This past week I wondered why I wasn't sick, tired or feeling pregnant. I tried to figure it out all too often, but now it doesn't matter.

At six and a half weeks, we've lost our little "J" and the questions continue and emotions roll. I don't understand, but I trust, what else can I do? Just yesterday I read Lysa TerKeurst talk about Psalms 86:11 - "Teach me your ways, Lord" and I believe though the lesson hurts, He will teach. After all He has lost a child too.

So as thoughts of this child I barely knew linger in my mind, the what if's do too. I'm reminded of a poem I wrote for a friend not even a month ago, who had lost a child. I never knew I'd understand the words so well.

I never saw your face
and I never knew your name.
I never held you in my arms,
but you'll never leave my heart.

I never saw the dreams unfold
and I never saw your smile.
I never taught you about life,
but I'll never lose the lessons I have learned.

I never said hello
and I'll never say good-bye.
I never met you here,
but I'll always be with you in heaven.

Friday, August 29, 2008

"Hide and Seek"

"Hide and Seek"
I’ll count,
“1, 2”
You hide,
“9, 10
Ready or not,
Here I come.”
It’s a game all kids
Love to play,
It’s something they
Do again and again.
As years go by
The excitement slowly fades,
But the game never ends –
We once hid behind a tree
Now it’s behind a smile.
We’re afraid to share
Who we really are –
We often think,
If she’s ‘fine’ then I should be too.
But have you ever wondered,
“How can I find anyone,
if I’m hiding too?”
The kids have it right –
Someone has to seek,
So the next time
You want to play the game,
Don’t run & hide –
Instead offer to count,
They might need you
To find them.
“Ready or not…”

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There is a reason...

Being Tuesday it's once again time to look at Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith." Lelia at Write from the Heart is hosting the study, so stop by to see what everyone is saying. This week we are looking at chapters 14, "Pressing Through the Pain" and 15, "God isn't Surprised by Death."

Once again it is amazing to see how the chapters line up with the life I have been living!! The last 10 days have been a visit to the land of unknown as I had some medical tests done and simply had to wait. The pain I experienced wasn't physical, but instead emotional as I didn't know what was going on.

Even though I wondered and worried what was to come, with God's help I was able to press through. I appreciated the story Lysa shared about Ken, a friend who'd lost his wife, and his reminder to enjoy the moment because life is precious. What a great truth, one that I lose track of all too often. Especially when pain and unplanned experiences take place, I focus on the problem rather than the praise.

Which was exactly the case last week as I was overwhelmed with what was going on and constantly trying to figure it out. You know the game, if it's this, that means this, but if it's this, life will unfold like that... More than once my husband had to remind me it wasn't my place to figure things out and a friend simply said, "Trust God - He knows best!" Again great reminders because Satan can use pain and death to distract us and make us ineffective for what God has planned.

But, if we focus on God and the truths His word reveals, He has a reason for the hurts we don't often expect or even enjoy. That is to draw us closer to Himself and like Lysa said that will "never disappoint." It still hurts, but when the pain has a purpose He provides peace.

As we move to chapter 15, Lysa focuses on death and how God is NOT surprised. Actually it's been part of His plan since the beginning! So why is it so difficult for me (us) to embrace something He will work through? Because it's hard and it hurts and often times my focus is on the here and now, not the eternal picture that He can see.

My emotions have led me to ask the same question Lysa posed, "How God?" Sometimes I really don't know, but it's then I have to trust. Again a difficult concept at times. Last week that question came up as I started getting results from the tests and it seemed there was no way things God had put on my heart could take place after hearing the direction my life was heading.

I wouldn't consider my current situation a mess, but it's different than what I expected and thus Lysa's words, "stay in the hard place, fulfill the mission, let your dream die NOW, eventually life will spring from it" really hit home. Maybe this is all God's way of breaking me and showing me this will happen according to His plan, not mine. And when He puts these pieces together, His light will shine!!

So though the pain doesn't always make sense and death hurts, I know there is a reason. Obviously it is never mine, human nature never wants to experience pain or loss, but God knows best. These hard times change me, help me grow, cause me to mature and draw me closer to Him!! So as Mercy Me sings, "Jesus, bring the rain," so like Casting Crowns, I can "Praise You in the storm!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

Today is the day...

Wow, today is the day, the day my first born starts kindergarten!! I can't believe it. We've been talking about and preparing for this for quite sometime, but last night when I actually verbalized the words, "J.D. starts kindergarten tomorrow!" I finally realized my little man is growing up and the next season is about to begin.

As I shared this emotion with my husband, he reminded me, "It's only kindergarten." That's true, he won't graduate tomorrow, and as his teacher I'm sure some days won't go fast enough!! But still this marks the beginning of an era.

He is growing up, something I know he needs to do, but it's hard to think about all that lies ahead. Today he's starting school, next he'll be reading on his own, then he'll be playing football and someday he'll be interested in girls!!! Yikes!!

And as he learns new things, I'm reminded I must do the same - one of the lessons I'll constantly be working on is letting go. If I want him to mature and become a solid young man, I need to gradually loosen the reigns, let him learn on his own and sometimes even suffer the consequences.

All of these thoughts of what lies ahead, not only remind me of the need to let go, but also solidify the idea that though J.D.'s my son, ultimately he is God's child. What a blessing to see him grow and be there as his mom to guide him as he does.

Today is the day...not just the one that marks the start of kindergarten, but one that serves as a reminder that children truly are a gift from the Lord!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Greatest Honor

Last night at Bible study we were talking about sin - the seriousness of it and the way it should make us feel. That is some pretty heavy stuff, but it was followed up with how gracious and forgiving our Father really is. We are actually working thru a video series hosted by Anne Graham Lotz. Crawford Lorrits and Henry Blackaby join her in presenting the lessons.

As they came to the end of their discussion they addressed the idea of what to do with the guilt we carry because of our sin. One of them said, "The greatest honor we can give God is to believe Him." Wow, that is a statement that speaks volumes.

Not just in regards to sin, but my life in general. I am one to worry all too often - be it about money, what other's think, the future, the list goes on.... But as I do that I know I am doubting God and that is a sin in itself. So when life throws a curve ball and plans don't go the way I have drawn them up, what do I do?

All too often my answer is wrong as I take things into my own hands and worry about all that I can't do. If I'd simply surrender it to God and believe, things would be better, maybe not easier, but there would be peace.

So as I sat there last night in the midst of a struggle with worries about the unknown I was reminded what I needed to do - believe. God has a reason for the storms, the unexpected struggles, everything and it's not my place to figure it out. At times things don't make sense, but His word tells us - He works all things together for good. Now that is a thought to dwell on rather than worrying about what lies ahead.

"The Greatest Honor"
"Lord, how can I honor you?
Lead a Bible study?
Start a mom's group?
Teach Sunday school?
Love my family?
Be a friend?
If that's not it,
what can I do?"

"Believe - when circumstances make no sense.
Believe - when the future is unknown.
Believe - when the world says doubt.
Believe - when the pain is impossible.
Believe - when my plans aren't what you expect.
My child the things you do
bring me glory,
but the greatest honor you can give is
believe in who I Am."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Just what I needed to hear...

Ever feel like God is doing all He can to get your attention? As I read Lysa TerKeurst's book "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" it seemed He was talking to me. This week we are looking at chapters 12 and 13 which Lysa's titled, Learning to Lead and Death Does Not Mean Defeat.

As she opened the first chapter Lysa had my attention reminding me of the fact that I am setting an example - people are watching and modeling the things I do and say. This has been an important concept to me since junior high when I looked up to the high school basketball players, continued as I became the coach, but today I was reminded of the leader I am in my home. With 6 little eyes watching my every move and mimicking the things I do, I must constantly be aware of how I am leading. It's not just with my actions, but they see my spiritual life as well.

Which leads into other questions she posed, "What if I'm not good enough?" "Am I more concerned with pleasing others than I am God?" "What if I mess up?" If I want my children to obey and trust God, they need to see me do that very thing. I can't let fear and worries hold me back. Of all people they know I am not perfect, so what better way to show them that God really does use imperfect people?

In the past I have been excited to think about what God has done and might do thru me, but Lysa's words have created some new excitement. How wonderful to think how our obedience to God might influence someone else, maybe our own children, to step out there and walk in faith as well!!

As I look forward to seeing my children do that very thing someday I know God is preparing me to take the walk now. And as I do it's great to remember that I don't need to worry about where the journey will take me, instead just trust the One who is leading! And as I do what is possible, He will take care of the impossible!

One this journey it seems the one the thing that is impossible is what Lysa addresses in chapter 13 - death!! It doesn't matter what kind of death it is - the actual loss of life, that of a dream, a relationship, the end of anything, dealing with it is hard and often something we don't understand.

But like Lysa said, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Whatever the loss, our experience will draw us closer to Him. As I let go of my plans and the things I think I control I realize it's all about Him. Experience has taught me that the less I rely on myself the better off I am. I'm sorry to say I need to be reminded of that fact all too often, but God provides and continues to show me His ways are higher than mine.

I loved the way Lysa said when I stop fretting, God can start fighting! Oh were those words I needed to hear. I have been waiting since Friday for some medical tests today which I thought would answer the questions we've been facing, well I had the tests, but feel I was simply given more questions instead of answers. It seems I've spent the last 72 hours doing some major fretting, so as I wait I will stop and simply pray that now God will take advantage of the opportunity to fight. (Just like my children are doing right now!!!!!)

As I do that I am reminded to simply trust because He is perfect! Everything about Him - His strength, timing, plans and the peace that He provides. So on a day that has reminded me things don't always turn out the way I expect, Lysa's words were just what I needed to hear! I pray God has worked thru the book to speak to you as well.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


Sometimes it's hard...
Sometimes I cry...
Sometimes I don't know why...
But, then I lift my head,
I lift my eyes and
I lift my heart.
I see You, Lord -
the Creator of all things
and my Immanuel.
Life doesn't get easier,
the tears still fall and
I still don't understand.
But, I see Your promises,
I trust in Your plan
and I rest in Your peace.

Sometimes it's hard - a time I can relate to at this exact moment...resting in His peace, the very thing I'm doing at this exact moment.

After a Dr.'s appointment yesterday that only revealed more questions without answers and worries about the unknown my mind has been busy. As I think about the what if's and anxiously wait for Tuesday when the next tests are scheduled, I am constantly reminding myself not to worry. Rather than conversing with myself, I need to go to God. Easier said than done at times, but I know this is a possible storm that God is already working in.

As I told my husband I just wish I knew what it was! He simply said, "We're not supposed to know everything." I struggled with that at first, but realize if we knew everything, I wouldn't have to trust God. Really when you come to that place of uncertainty, you realize the value in being able to trust the One who is all-knowing and all-powerful.

As I strive to do this, it isn't always easy, but the peace that comes with surrendering it all to Him is a blessing. Because of my tendency to worry it's one I've experience a few times in the last 24 hours.

But in this time of waiting, He's not only blessed me with His presence, but also revealed Himself and reminded me of a few vital truths. He is in control, This is His plan, and I need to trust Him!!

He's also given me some words that will one day serve as a reminder of the work He has done...

Time moves slow
while my mind races.
I counter worries
of the unknown,
with excitement of
what might be.
I treat life like
a math problem
and think eventually
I'll figure it out.
But no matter how
hard I work,
the answer will
never be rushed.
Life isn't a problem
for me to solve,
but a plan
that God will reveal.
This process takes place
on His time, not mine.
And the lesson is learned
on the journey,
not by arriving
at the destination.
What is God teaching you while you wait in the moments that are hard, make you cry and leave you asking "Why?"

Friday, August 15, 2008

A Child Myself

God used my worst shopping trip ever to remind me that I too, am just a child. The story began in a Christian bookstore where my three-year-old son, fifteen-month-old daughter, and I were looking for Mother’s Day gifts. I had debated whether we should stop in the not-so-kid-friendly store, but knew we wouldn’t be in town for a while, so decided to take the risk. We’ve had a few minor struggles during shopping trips, but nothing drastic, so I trusted this day would be the same.

Well, my son, J.D., decided shopping wasn’t his activity of choice, which led to an experience I soon won’t forget. I was holding Joy looking at the cards when he decided to go on an adventure. He headed up the stairs that led to the storage room, labeled for employees only. As I said, “Stop!” J.D. proceeded to do what he always does when trouble is on the way – run! After a look of concern from the clerk, I headed up the stairs and thru a maze of boxes to find my son hiding in the corner. We went back down, I described his future punishment, and then approached the counter embarrassed and feeling like a failure.

I apologized to the clerk and she kindly told J.D., “listen to your mom – she knows what’s best.” Then in an attempt to make me feel better, she said something about little boys not being made for shopping. How true!!

I left in a state of anger, but before things hit the boiling point, my emotions shifted to guilt and thoughts of doubt. I asked myself, “What kind of Mom am I? Who lets their child run through the store? Can I do this? Will he ever listen?” Then I was reminded there’s only one perfect parent and when I let God play the role of Father, I am a child myself.

I thought of the times I have also ran when trouble was approaching or when I should speak up, but remain quiet. I recalled mistakes I had made, people I let down, and motives that were wrong. I was reminded of the times I didn’t listen intently – like when J.D. told the same story again and again or when my husband described his hunting trips. I thought of the times when I don’t obey - like when God is leading me in one direction and I choose to go a different way. I thought of how upset I was with my son and wondered what that meant about how God felt towards me.

Then I glanced in the rear view mirror to see J.D. sleeping peacefully. He looked so innocent and at that moment I knew I forgave him. Eventually, I’ll even take him shopping again; maybe in 20 years, but I still believe someday he will obey. He is my son and I will always love him. As I had these thoughts, I remembered I too am a child and my Father loves me even more than I love J.D.

I know how God feels towards me – like any parent, He’s hurt when I go the wrong way, but He also knows lessons are learned when mistakes are made. He forgives me and every morning gives me a chance to try again. Just like I won’t quit on my son, He’s continually molding me into the woman He knows I can become.

Growing up, we dream of answers to the question, “Who will I be?” “A teacher. A doctor. A designer. Maybe a lawyer or engineer. How about a singer or movie star!” The list goes on and on and changes every year. Now I’m an adult and have answers to that question, but I’m thankful my son reminded me of the best answer we can give – “Who am I? A child, a child of God.”

Thursday, August 14, 2008

"Who You Are"

This post goes out to a special friend. Who she is has been a vital part of my life and I pray each and every one of you have been blessed with a similar Godly woman.
"Who You Are"
You are a confidant
who I trust
with my deepest thoughts.
You are a model
who sets an example
for me to follow.
You are a cheerleader
who believes
when I doubt.
You are a mentor
who offers perspective
when I lose focus.
You are a coach
who advises me
in the game of life.
You are a friend
who encourages
when times are tough.
You are a sister in Christ
who points me
to the cross.
You are a spiritual Mom
who loves and nurtures me
on my walk of faith.
You are a child of God
who honors our Father
and blesses me, too.
You are someone
who has influenced
who I am.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Problem, HIS Solution

It is once again time to take a look at Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens when Women Walk in Faith." Lelia at Write from the Heart is hosting the study, so stop by to see everyone's thoughts on chapters 10 and 11.

As Lysa described a difficult situation in her own life, some of my own struggles came to mind. The solution she shared reminded me where I needed to look for the answers to my own problems. The problems are mine, but the solution needs to be His!!

During trying times it can be easy to think things would get better if the other person would do this or stop acting like this, but as Lysa said her solution came when "God moved in me." We have no control over what anyone else can say, do or think, but we have the ability to submit our own control to God and when He works good things will happen.

These solutions don't always turn out the way I expect them too and sometimes take longer than I like them too, but when I'm obedient He will solve the problem. That doesn't always mean it will go away, but my attitude about it will change.

This all sounds nice on paper, but it isn't always easy, it can be a real challenge to let go and trust God with things that cause me so much pain and/or frustration. At times I'm tempted to fix it myself, but as Lysa says, "we must continue to grow and embrace God's plans for the life we've been given."

That is a constant process especially as some problems become bigger before I even see God's hand at work, but as I reflect on my life I know His solution has always been the best. That's the truth I must hold onto as life continues to unfold - He has carried me thus far and will continue to do so.

I think Lysa described this philosophy real well when she said, "Take your eyes off the problem and focus on the good and loving God who has great plans for you." It's easy to get caught up in the emotions, feelings and worries that life creates, but we must keep our eyes on Him.

As I walk this road of faith I know the storms will come and at times I will veer off the path, but I can't allow setbacks to affect my vision. I must constantly "keep looking up" and as our Pastor says, put the blinders on. Focus on God and God alone. As I do that I can't let worries about other's opinions keep me down instead I must live to honor God and not man.

Even during those moments when I appear to have everything in focus, things can still go wrong. It seems when I'm most intent on following God's will that something will happen or be said that causes me to hesitate or put the focus back on me. These losses create pain and the comments can hurt, but they still have a purpose.

This past spring, I heard Anne Graham Lotz say, "Jesus took the nails for me, now I need to take some for Him." Though I'm misunderstood at times because of my faith, that pain cannot compare to what Jesus did for me. So why am I so hesitant to do that very thing? Lysa reminds us of Romans, "we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." What better thing to do!!!

So as my walk of faith continues I'm reminded that though the problems our mine, the solution must be His!! Often times He reveals this solution in His word and as Lysa says we must constantly be "taking it in, allowing it to work within you, and then using what you have learned to benefit others and to further God's kingdom."

That is a solution I would love to live out in my life and I'm grateful to know that "we are equipped with everything we need to do His will."

Saturday, August 9, 2008

A Lesson from my Lambs

The other morning rather than the typical beep, beep, beep of an alarm clock I was wakened by the baa, baa, baa much too close to our bedroom window. My kids 3 orphan lambs were out and enjoying their new found freedom.

As I was putting them back in their pen thoughts turned to how often we are referred to as sheep in the Bible. If you have any experience with this woolly little animal, you know the idea of being like them isn't always a fun thing to think about.

Though the analogy can make us appear weak and not real intelligent I was reminded of another morning I had spent with these 3 little lambs earlier this spring. Those early morning moments reminded me how true the comparison really is.

My dad gave my 3 kids the 3 orphan lambs as a gift along with the opportunity to learn responsibility and make a little money. Since they are 5, 3 and 1 much of the learning has taken place with my help!! Early on when we were bottle feeding them morning, noon and night I tried to take the morning shift by myself simply because it took 10 minutes to feed them and 30 to dress everyone to go outside.

The plan usually worked, but one morning as the rains came down I struggled to leave the comfort of my bed and go feed the lambs. Eventually I drug myself out and not only cared for the sheep, but was fed by my Shepherd as well.

As I entered the barn it was obvious how needy and dependent these little lambs were and as I provided for their needs their joyful bleats and wagging tail showed their appreciation. While I thought about their orphan status, I was reminded of mine as well.

God has not only adopted me as His child, but He's put people in my life to care for me as a spiritual orphan as well. As I sat there feeding these needy little animals I thought of those who did the same for me when my walk of faith began. Many were there nursing me along with spiritual milk and I wondered if there were times when they had drug their feet to help me just like I had done with the lambs.

Even if their flesh had wanted them to forget me, I'm thankful God moved them to care and provide because just like the nourishment I gave to the lambs filled a need, what these people have done for me did the same.

It's interesting to write this now because these little lambs are growing and no longer need milk, but are still dependent. This supports the analogy of us and lambs because my faith has grown and though I no longer need to be fed in the same way, I'm still dependent. I will never outgrow the need for my Shepherd.

In a year these lambs will no longer be lambs, but instead could be caring for lambs of their own. Again just like us - as we mature, we must reach out and pass on what's been given to us and help nurse another towards maturity. And on those days when I don't feel like getting up to do the job at hand I must remember those who went before me and do what they did. Investing in another takes time and effort, but the results of the work we do for God are priceless!!

And as these lambs have grown in stature they have also grown in independence. It's great they no longer need me 3 times a day, but they still rely on me. Not just for their nutrition, but safety as well. The other morning as I returned them to their pen, I was reminded how I still need those spiritual caregivers as well. At times I can stray from my path just like they did from their pen and I need advice and guidance to help me return to safety. At times God, our Shepherd does that thru the Holy Spirit and others by speaking thru those who are a step ahead.

So though Grandpa was intending to teach my kids responsibility (there's been a lesson with that as well) I have received many spiritual lessons from my lambs and for that I am grateful!!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Child's Walk

It is once again time to look at Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith." This week Lelia at Write from the Heart is hosting the study as we focus on chapters 8 and 9. As has been the case Lysa's words go straight to the heart and at times make way too much sense!!

While discussing the famine phase she focuses in on a topic we don't always like to address - bitterness. As we walk with Christ things don't always go the way we plan, which can cause our human nature to turn to bitterness, but as Lysa says, "Resist getting bitter...this is a day you will actually thank God for taking you through this." In the middle of a struggle those words can be hard to hear, but as I reflect back on my life, the very thing is true.

In the struggles God not only strengthens me, but also draws me closer to Himself. It isn't always easy and sometimes it hurts, sometimes real bad, but "He does it for MY good."

Recently I was led to share my faith with a loved one along with a project I felt God was leading me to and after much resistance, I submitted. I had prayed and waited for quite sometime, but finally came to the point where I had to stop thinking about it or start acting on it.

I proceeded with both hope and fear, not knowing what to expect - thinking of the worst, but praying for the best. Well, 6 months later, I'm still waiting for those prayers to be answered and deep down I know they will.

In the meantime God has shown me many things - one - my plans are not the same as His, two - "He is with all of His wronged and brokenhearted children," and three - as I've made the conscious choice to honor Him even though at times it's hard and I'm misunderstood, "He honors me."

At times it's hard to comprehend how I can feel so bad because of the comments others have made and how misunderstood I was, but at the same time have peace. Honestly even as write this it still doesn't always make sense - just the other day I shared with a friend that I've never felt so bad for something I've done as I did back in February. And the thing is I did nothing wrong - simply share my faith and my life, but I did that with a loved one (who's opinion and approval mean a lot) who doesn't understand the depth of my faith and my desire to obey my heavenly Father.

In chapter 9, Lysa talks about God being too real to deny and He revealed that to me during this struggle - another reason for the storm, it made me look for the Son!! His plan is perfect and though it's a route I would not have chosen and at times seems all uphill, looking back I know He is working. This latest experience proves Lysa's words to be true, "In the Christian life there is no substitute for the keen awareness that my Shepherd is nearby. "

So as the journey continues I am convinced "It is better to walk in obedience than to live in fear of stumbling." That doesn't mean it will be easier, but in the end it will be better because only when we walk with Him can He comfort, guide and direct.

"A Child's Walk"
The young girl sets out -
a smile on her face,
no worries on her mind
and joy in her heart.
As she wonders along
her mind does the same -
it's easy to get distracted
watching the birds and butterflies
and it doesn't take long
to get lost in a daydream.
The distractions can cause pain,
but her mom is there to help
offering a hand when she falls
and a hug when she's hurt.
The young girl grows up
and the walk continues,
it's no longer down the sidewalk,
but, on the path of life.
Her actions remain the same
and distractions still exist -
the busyness of life
and the many roles she plays
cause her to stumble from time to time.
But God is there
and her Father won't let her fall -
He offers comfort when she's hurt,
guidance when she seeks,
and direction when she's lost.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

I don't deserve this...

The other day I closed a post with the same question I had started with "Why me?" I wasn't asking the question the way we normally do when something bad has happened, but instead when God was asking me to do something big, maybe even something that others view as exciting.

But as for me writing a book is a bit frightening, especially when it involves my personal story. The idea of the world having the opportunity to read words straight from my journal scares me a bit. Enough so that I once told Job, my husband, after one of his many pep talks, "How can I do this, I don't even let you read some of these entries!"

So even though the possibilty of putting myself out there makes my stomach turn from time to time, I still believe in the message that God has put on my heart. So much so that I have submitted, put the words on paper and even shared them with a few others.

Though I have taken that step the question doesn't end there, it actually becomes more complicated. It's no longer just "Why me?", but "Why me God? I don't deserve this. Someone else could do it better, someone else is more equipped to speak about their story, someone else..."

I suppose we all play the comparison game, but as God continues to call me, I find myself doing that more and more. I look at those who have already arived at the destination and they seem to have it all together, so again, "Why me?" I see those who have similar dreams of sharing their faith with their writing and it appears their desire is stronger and fear less. The broken record just continues, "Why me God - there are others who are willing and able!"

It's not that I don't want to, really I do, but I doubt myself and worry about other's opinion. I know, two things I don't need to do and should not do, but...

As I wrestle with these thoughts it seems satan can take things a step further and at times I not only doubt my ability, but my worth as well. And the question starts again, "Why me God? I don't deserve this, it's an honor to serve you, someone else deserves that more than me."

Like I said I shared this thought in a previous post and one comment has been in my head for awhile. Michelle said, "From the statement "I don't deserve to do this." I thought of course you do because He deserves all the glory you will bring Him."

Wow those words went to my heart, once again it's not about me. Whatever God blesses me with, whether it be eternal life or the opportunity to serve, I am not deserving, but He is!!