It's hard to believe it's been nearly 7 and a half months since I wrote this post. It was back on August 30th, the day we realized we would never hold the baby we'd only known for a short while. Prior to that, Dr.'s had predicted our child would be born today, April 19th.
Last fall this day seemed far into the future, but today as my mind thinks about what might have been that Saturday in August seems like yesterday. Time has lessened the pain, but today, the day I'd circled on the calendar seems to have brought it back.
Especially the loneliness of the loss. Had our baby been born, there would have been smiles of joy and calls of congratulations. In the future, this would have been a day many would remember, one we'd celebrate with cake and candles every year to come. But that is not the case - instead it seems I'm alone thinking about the child God is holding while I cry.
As I think about that, I'm reminded that He remembers. He will never forget the tears I cried, the little one I loved or the pain I felt. He also reminds me of the strength He provided, the comfort He offered and the hope I have in Him. And of the truth, that someday I will see this little one.
Though I am grieving the loss of a child I never saw, I know the last 9 months have provided other new beginnings. This growth will never take the place of my little "J," but yet I know it's all part of God's plan.
I once heard Tony Dungy talk about the purpose of pain and how it connects a child with his or her parents. He went on to share the same is true for us as adults - when we are in pain, we look to God for help because when no one else can carry the burden, understand the hurt or change the situation, He is there.
God showed me that quite often in the days following my miscarriage and today as I experience emotions others don't understand, He is reminding me once again...
God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1
For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 2 Corinthians 1:5
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
So on a day that began with me thinking about what might have been, God has reminded me that it's not about my plans, but His. Tonight I will rest in His peace knowing that (even though at times I don't understand and sometimes life is hard,) God's word says, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." Jeremiah 29:11-12
And just as God knows the plans He has for me, I know the same was true for my little "J." And for you!