Saturday, August 30, 2014

6 Years Later

This is a day I've been thinking about since I turned the calendar to August. For the last 5 years, my eyes always glance ahead to the 30th of this month. Six years ago on 8-30-08, we experienced a miscarriage. The pain was something I never expected and doesn't compare to anything I'd experienced. God's presence and power was also present in my life in a whole new way.

The last few days I've found myself thinking about and remembering more than I have the past couple of years. I'm not sure if it's because it's once again the Saturday of Labor Day weekend or if God just wanted me to reflect. But regardless of the why, I'm grateful for the trip down memory lane.

I type those words and find myself shaking my head because friend it doesn't make much sense to be thankful for something that was hard. As I reread my prayer journals from back then, I was transported back in time and grief returned that was stronger than it had been in awhile. Tears fell and my daughter asked why. She knows she has a sister in heaven and was able to just cry with me.

I think it's normal for grief to return and I trust there will always be what if's and questions without answers, but I'm thankful this journey offered even more. As I read my words, ones I had written when my heart was broken, I saw God's work in faith was evident as I cried out to Him and trusted Him to carry me through. There was pain, hurt and even some anger, but what I really saw was hope.

For nearly 15 years my faith has been important to me and my relationship with Christ has been growing, but 6 years ago it became real and necessary in a whole new way. Nobody could fix the situation or change the circumstances, but in my heart I knew God was in control.

I knew it was not a coincidence that morning when I opened my Bible for my daily reading and found myself in Luke 22. As I read verse 42, I remember making Jesus' words my own and with tears and strength I didn't understand, I said, "Lord if You are willing to take this cup from me, yet not my will, but Yours be done." It seemed a miscarriage was inevitable, but yet I believed God could do a miracle. At the same time, I remember telling myself I had to trust His plan and let go of mine.

This wasn't a process that happened immediately, but by the grace of God it is something He helped me do. As I look back on my journal, I don't just see my faith, but I see God's character. He is loving, present and powerful - able to do more than we can ask or imagine. He provides peace that we don't understand and can't create.

My life today doesn't look anything like it did 6 years ago...I'm not pregnant, I'm not walking through a season of grief and my heart is not broken. I am grateful for that, but what I've really been reminded of as I reflect and read the prayers I journaled - God has not changed as all.

He is still with me, will always love me and will never run out of power. Today my heart's not broken, but some of my relationships are; the tears are not falling, but sometimes I fall down. I don't know what your life holds, but I know the One who is holding it. Will you join me in accepting His plan, trusting His character and walking in faith?

Six years ago He walked me down a road I didn't want to travel, but He used it to work in me and through me, and I've been reminded He's doing the same as I walk through life today. And I need to keep doing what I did back then - make Psalm 86:11 the prayer of my heart! The psalmist writes, "Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

As I went through my old journal I came across a few poems I penned as well and God's put in on my heart to share them too -

"Teach Me Your Ways"
Lord, when I’m hurt
And just don’t understand –
Teach me Your ways.

When I’m sad
And just want to cry –
Teach me Your ways.

When I’m confused
And tempted to give up –
Teach me Your ways.

When I’m put down
And not sure I want to go on –
Teach me Your ways.

When I’m angry
And on the verge of losing control –
Teach me Your ways.

When I’m recognized
And receive praise that is Yours –
Teach me Your ways.

Lord, today and always
Thru the good and bad –
Teach me Your ways.

I never saw your face
and I never knew your name.
I never held you in my arms,
but you'll never leave my heart.

I never saw the dreams unfold
and I never saw your smile.
I never taught you about life,
but I'll never lose the lessons I have learned.

I never said hello
and I'll never say good-bye.
I never met you here,
but I'll always be with you in heaven.

“You’ll Be There”
Someday, when the questions are answered
And the pain has passed –
You’ll be there.

Someday, when I smile
Because of the beauty I’ve never seen –
You’ll be there.

Someday, when this all makes sense
And I understand God’s plan –
You’ll be there.

Someday, when I walk towards the gates
And enter my eternal home –
You’ll be there.

Someday, when I cry tears of joy
And embrace the ones I miss –
You’ll be there.

Someday, when I enter heaven
And forever praise the Lord I love –
You’ll be there.

Friend, if you are in the midst of a loss, I'm sorry and I can relate to the pain and grief, but please let me encourage you - run to God, especially when you feel like running from Him. Also, I believe you'd be blessed by visiting Mommies with Hope - a ministry that serves women who walk through miscarriage and infant loss. If I can pray for you or share more of my story, leave a comment and I'll be in touch. And friends, thank you for joining me today as I remember my little Jenae Hope Beran and reflect on the amazing God we know! And friend, if God puts it on your heart to pray for me today, I'd appreciate it - remembering is good, but sometimes it's hard. Thank you!!


  1. Such a beautiful blog post, Jill. So authentic, so tender, so real. I pray many women will find hope in your story and your honesty. Our God is good...all the time. He heals and restores. Romans 8:28 is a promise we can always believe in.



    1. Thanks for stopping by Wendy! Praying God can use my story to fill others with the same hope I found in Him. Blessings back, Jill