Thursday, March 25, 2010

"I want that!"

Recently a friend was sharing her son’s reaction to a snowmobile that was being raffled - the instant he saw it, little Carter said, “Mom, I want that!!” In her mind she thought so does every other kid in the county, but went on to buy a ticket anyway. As I write this post I can relate to both Carter and his mom, you see Lysa TerKeurst is giving away 3 scholarships to She Speaks this summer and in order to enter there’s no ticket to buy instead she’s asking for your thoughts via a blog post.

This was a contest I almost didn’t enter for a few different reasons - the first one being my husband’s fishing trip also scheduled for July 30 - August 1, but he has assured me “if you win don’t you think we could work around that?” And second I can relate to my friend and hear myself saying, “every other blogger in the country wants to win!” But the biggest hurdle I’ve had to jump as I finally sit down to write is I’m not so sure this is something I want.

Let me explain…in order to begin here’s a little info on She Speaks - this is an annual conference put on by Proverbs 31 for writers, speakers and ministry leaders. And the event is amazing! I had the privilege of attending last year and I was truly blessed!! (Read part of that story here.)I left thinking it should be called He Speaks instead because God’s presence was powerful and His voice was loud!! I was encouraged and challenged. I was built up and given ways to improve. But mostly I was reminded of who I am in Christ and blessed by some wonderful friendships with sisters in Christ.

So with that said you may be wondering, why wouldn’t I want to win? And as I ponder you asking the question, I am asking it myself. The part of me that is prone to doubt and feel unworthy says this won’t happen anyway and if it does I don’t deserve it. Then there is the bit of me that prefers to stay where I’m at and can fear leaving my comfort zone and this part knows She Speaks is not simply a 3 day event. No, God strengthened me and matured me a year ago, which has led me to places I never expected and stretched me in ways that haven’t all been easy.

Finally, as I sit here now and ask this question I’m reminded of a conversation I had in my mind over a year ago when I contemplated my first She Speaks conference. At the time God had really put it on my heart and I sensed His leading to go, but as registration neared circumstances began to change. The friend I thought I’d travel with had another trip the same weekend and I found out I’d be 10 weeks from delivering our 4th child when I'd be taking my 1st plane ride by myself.

It all didn’t make sense and I remember asking myself, “Why? Why do you think you should go? Does this really make sense?” I mean here I was a farmer’s wife with 3 little ones who rarely traveled by car let alone a plane. Then thoughts shifted from the simple idea of leaving to really thinking about where it was I’d be going - a conference for speakers, writers and ministry leaders. Granted I was a MOPS coordinator, who was in the process of publishing a book and led our women’s Sunday School class, but still I wondered, "what does this mean? Where will this lead?" As possible answers rolled through my mind, I thought, “is that what I want?” And as a girl who preferred to live behind the scenes rather than on the stage, my answer was “NO!”

But God quickly reminded me, it’s not about what I want. He was calling me to She Speaks and though I was afraid, nervous and full of doubt He provided, He strengthened and He spoke. Last year as the conference came to a close I was amazed at how my thoughts had changed in 3 short days, I left wanting to register for She Speaks 2010.

I had been so touched by the entire event - the speakers, the other attendees, the prayer room, the whole experience. I knew I wanted that again, but lately my thoughts have been different - is this what God wants? I know that’s the clearest truth God spoke to my heart during my time in North Carolina - speaking, writing, ministry, my life, nothing has anything to do with what I want, it’s about what God does!

This leads me to the contest and back to my conversation from a year ago - though once again, I don’t want to leave my husband and 4 kids, I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone, I don’t want to deal with the pain that inevitably comes with growing my faith, but still I know if it’s what God wants, I will. Like Carter, my friend’s little boy, I’m beginning to hear myself say, “I want that!!” Only my words aren’t about a snowmobile and really not even winning a contest or attending a conference, no my desire is to truly want God’s will for my life. And maybe, just maybe that involves a trip to North Carolina again this summer…

How about you? Maybe you are the one God has already chosen as the winner for Lysa’s contest, but you haven’t entered yet! To do so click here and to find more information on She Speaks, click here!


  1. You expressed yourself so beautifully here! I can understand your question of wondering if you would want to win a scholarship.

    Actually, that was part of my wrestling, too. I was worried about not winning (feeling it wouldn't happen and that I wouldn't deserve it if I did!) and ALSO worried about winning! And for reasons like yours...knowing I would have to step WAY out of my comfort zones...knowing I would have some faith "growing pains."

    But finally I decided to go for it. It is all in His hands, and I trust Him and want His will for my life! :)

    Sweet blessings to you as you wait to see what this year holds for you, Jill! What a delight it would be to get to meet you in person! :)

  2. Hi jill..I read through a bunch and I think you got a real shot at this. Your story about going to She speaks last year along with the I WANT THAT!! I pray you get it girl!! Excellent post!!

  3. I'm so proud of you for taking that step of faith, putting your heart out there and walking away from the shadows of doubt into the power of God's promises and plans. What a great parallel to Carter wanting to win the raffle. You're such a great writer!

    Would love to see you this summer - praying God gets you there!


  4. Hi Jill,
    Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog...and I couldn't resist meeting you on yours!!
    I so enjoyed reading your post...I share your passion of wanting what God wants...what a wonderful wild ride this is with God either steering the boat, pedalling the bicyle, driving the car, or flying the plane ;-) Praying along side you,
    Julie Lane