Tonight, on the eve of a weekend that I know will be blessed, God is flooding my mind with thoughts and my heart with memories.
Four years ago was the first time I took part in helping organize a women's event and I felt very undeserving of the privilege God had given me and unqualified for the responsibility of it all. Though I had made strides, I was still very insecure. I recall walking down our quiet, gravel road and sharing with God, "Who am I? I don't deserve to be doing this? Why are You using me?" And then continued with a list of others who were much more qualified. He simply responded with a question of His own and whispered to my heart, "Jill, Who Am I?"
Friends, those words stuck with me and the memory now brings tears because that exchange has led to quite the journey. It was the catalyst that led me to live out Deuteronomy 4:29, "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul." The more I tried to answer the question the Creator of the universe had asked the more I learned about Him.
With each lesson He taught, Deuteronomy 6:5, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength," started to become more evident in my life. The more I sought Him and loved Him the more I longed to know Him and obey Him.
As the years have passed the Author of your story, and mine, has given me plenty of opportunities to do both. God has worked in good times and bad, through happy and sad and in big events and ordinary days. He's done things I never expected, proven Himself faithful and is teaching me who I am.
Through the lessons He's woven into my life, I've grown and I've changed. I'm more secure with who I am and quicker to depend on the One my confidence is in. I worry less about pleasing people and focus more on honoring God. Sharing my faith no longer paralyzes me with fear and expressing emotion is something I'm slowly beginning to do.
Though I've been given a glimpse of my progress, I'm also aware of the room for growth. Today has been a day of revisiting thoughts from the past...there have been moments I felt like a failure, worries about not being good enough, and thoughts of just wanting to quit. I've battled doubt and listened to lies.
For a moment I thought, somethings never change. Then my husband spoke up and said, "This doesn't happen as often as it use to." It was then the Lord pricked my heart and said something about this being a stronghold that I need to address. I've read books that have helped me battle doubt and it's getting better, but it still impacts the thoughts I have and at times keeps me from being who God made me to be.
All of this ties into the other thought I had this evening...tomorrow Wendy Blight, a teacher who's impacted me greatly and now feels like a friend, will arrive and the ReNEWed Life Women's Event will be a day away. God knew this would happen before time began and it's been on our calendar for a year, but He's reminding me He knew about all that would unfold today as well.
Summer is coming to a close, but He continues to cultivate. I truly believe God's working up the soil of my heart in preparation for the seeds of Truth He is about to plant. I trust the words He whispered to me today are the beginning of another journey that's about to begin. Because of what He's done in the past...I look forward to what is yet to come!