A year ago, my husband and I faced pain we never expected and never had experienced. At nearly 7 weeks in our 4th pregnancy we had a miscarriage. Though we'd only known about the baby for a short time the loss was real. This was our child - one we'd prayed for, dreamt about and had considered naming.
The walk through the valley of the shadow of death was hard, tears would fall and loneliness would consume. Though I'd never seen this little one's face or felt their touch, this baby was still a part of me.
As I reflect on the year that has passed I am amazed. God has truly been faithful. He's carried me, strengthened me and given a peace only He can provide. He has blessed me in ways I never expected. And through it all He's strengthened my faith.
By saying this in no way do I want to portray that it's been easy because the loss is still there and will forever be. As time goes by the pain isn't as raw, but it still hurts. This last week as I thought about the anniversary of the loss that changed the make-up of our family forever my mind play the what-if game quite often. And last May as our 5th pregnancy progressed I faced guilt and grief I didn't expect. As I eagerly anticipated the birth of our 4th child, I missed and grieved the one I won't see until heaven.
Those who have walked this road tell me those thoughts will remain, but in a way I guess that's OK - that way I won't ever forget our little "J." And though according to the world's standards this little one was only part of our life for a few short weeks, I know my baby will forever be a part of me.
And because of that forever aspect, this little one I never had the joy of teaching has taught me more than I ever imagined. Though in a sense God has taken away, through our loss from a year ago and the days since He has given. He has given me a wonderful reminder of how important our relationship with Him really is. Because I've accepted Christ and know Him as my Lord, one day I will see my baby and the One who saved us both!
Lord, though it hurts as my mind goes back to a year ago and the pain that was felt and the loss we endured I'm so thankful you carried me. There were times I wondered how I'd make it through, but you always provided and strengthened. Thank you Father. And Lord thank you now a year later for giving my little one such a purpose in my life, may I always hold on to the hope I find in You. In your precious name, Amen