As an individual who didn't break 5 feet/100 pounds until I was 15, physically being small has never been much of a challenge. But over the last week I've thought about this concept in a different way - "What does it mean to be small in God's eyes?"
Now I have thought about this before and at times thought I knew the answer, but I'm beginning to realize I may have been wrong. I know God doesn't want us, me, to be prideful and for the most part I lived in a way I thought wasn't.
I was one willing to go behind the scenes, do the "simple" jobs and the ones that aren't always fun. And if credit or compliments came I was one to shake it off and make others think it was no big deal.
This past Wednesday we started a women's Bible/book study at our church. We are going through Susie Larson's, The Uncommon Woman. As one of the leaders I have read much of the book already, but the first question she asked has been on my mind a lot lately.
She asks, "Have you ever considered that insecurity is a form of selfishness?" My answer, "NO!" But as I read this and discussed it, I realized you can't deny the truth of what she said. Webster defines insecurity as not confident or sure and as I look back over my life most of the time I could be the poster girl for insecurity.
I've doubted myself and let fear keep me from doing and saying things I probably should have. I've been small and taken the backseat at times because I didn't think I was worthy of anything more.
And yesterday as our pastor reminded the kids during the children's sermon of what it meant to "be small" I realized my idea of this has been wrong. It's true, God wants us all to be small - it just doesn't look the way I've always thought.
In no way does He want this to be the result of doubt, fear, worry or lack of worth. His word tells us He has not given us a spirit of fear and He advises us to worry about nothing. Not even what others will think!!
Our pastor went on to share from 1 Peter 5:4, "Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." The key word? Humility, which Webster defines as not being proud or arrogant.
Honestly for many years if you asked me if I was a humble person, I'd say yes, but this morning God really had me thinking about insecurity. And as I did just that I wondered, "Can I really be humble and insecure at the same time?" I don't know, but it seems God is showing me the answer is no. I have to move from insecurity to humility.
I still need to be small, but the reasons are different. In place of doubting myself, I need to trust God. Rather than being self-confident, I need the holy confidence of Christ. Instead of tooting my own horn or looking for a pat on the back, I need to give God the glory. There's no need to worry about what others think and say when pleasing God and winning His approval is my goal.
For the little ones up front at the children's sermon it didn't seem being small was going to be real difficult and initially I felt the same, but it is a challenge. This doesn't just mean stepping up and doing the work that's rarely acknowledged and putting others before yourself - it's that and more. It also means letting go and letting God - sometimes we (I) need to realize when we're too small for a job, God is big enough. If we humble ourselves and allow Him to use us (whether it's cleaning up the nursery or publishing a book) He will be faithful and carry His work to fruition.