It seems there is no name for the title of this post - one I'm not even sure how to write. The past 2 and a half weeks have been full of emotion, ups and downs and plenty of waiting. But today the answer came.
I was looking for an answer, but not the one I received. Yet I know I must trust the One who gave it to me. You see just over 2 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. The unexpected news created overwhelming feelings, but also joy.
The fact that things were so different than my previous 3 pregnancies though created the questions. Initially they ruled out a tubular pregnancy and a few days later blood tests showed the pregnancy was going in the right direction.
The news should have provided reassurance, but yet things were different. This past week I wondered why I wasn't sick, tired or feeling pregnant. I tried to figure it out all too often, but now it doesn't matter.
At six and a half weeks, we've lost our little "J" and the questions continue and emotions roll. I don't understand, but I trust, what else can I do? Just yesterday I read Lysa TerKeurst talk about Psalms 86:11 - "Teach me your ways, Lord" and I believe though the lesson hurts, He will teach. After all He has lost a child too.
So as thoughts of this child I barely knew linger in my mind, the what if's do too. I'm reminded of a poem I wrote for a friend not even a month ago, who had lost a child. I never knew I'd understand the words so well.
"Never"
I never saw your face
and I never knew your name.
I never held you in my arms,
but you'll never leave my heart.
I never saw the dreams unfold
and I never saw your smile.
I never taught you about life,
but I'll never lose the lessons I have learned.
I never said hello
and I'll never say good-bye.
I never met you here,
but I'll always be with you in heaven.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
"Hide and Seek"
"Hide and Seek"
I’ll count,
“1, 2”
You hide,
“9, 10
Ready or not,
Here I come.”
It’s a game all kids
Love to play,
It’s something they
Do again and again.
As years go by
The excitement slowly fades,
But the game never ends –
We once hid behind a tree
Now it’s behind a smile.
We’re afraid to share
Who we really are –
We often think,
If she’s ‘fine’ then I should be too.
But have you ever wondered,
“How can I find anyone,
if I’m hiding too?”
The kids have it right –
Someone has to seek,
So the next time
You want to play the game,
Don’t run & hide –
Instead offer to count,
They might need you
To find them.
“Ready or not…”
I’ll count,
“1, 2”
You hide,
“9, 10
Ready or not,
Here I come.”
It’s a game all kids
Love to play,
It’s something they
Do again and again.
As years go by
The excitement slowly fades,
But the game never ends –
We once hid behind a tree
Now it’s behind a smile.
We’re afraid to share
Who we really are –
We often think,
If she’s ‘fine’ then I should be too.
But have you ever wondered,
“How can I find anyone,
if I’m hiding too?”
The kids have it right –
Someone has to seek,
So the next time
You want to play the game,
Don’t run & hide –
Instead offer to count,
They might need you
To find them.
“Ready or not…”
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
There is a reason...
Being Tuesday it's once again time to look at Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith." Lelia at Write from the Heart is hosting the study, so stop by to see what everyone is saying. This week we are looking at chapters 14, "Pressing Through the Pain" and 15, "God isn't Surprised by Death."
Once again it is amazing to see how the chapters line up with the life I have been living!! The last 10 days have been a visit to the land of unknown as I had some medical tests done and simply had to wait. The pain I experienced wasn't physical, but instead emotional as I didn't know what was going on.
Even though I wondered and worried what was to come, with God's help I was able to press through. I appreciated the story Lysa shared about Ken, a friend who'd lost his wife, and his reminder to enjoy the moment because life is precious. What a great truth, one that I lose track of all too often. Especially when pain and unplanned experiences take place, I focus on the problem rather than the praise.
Which was exactly the case last week as I was overwhelmed with what was going on and constantly trying to figure it out. You know the game, if it's this, that means this, but if it's this, life will unfold like that... More than once my husband had to remind me it wasn't my place to figure things out and a friend simply said, "Trust God - He knows best!" Again great reminders because Satan can use pain and death to distract us and make us ineffective for what God has planned.
But, if we focus on God and the truths His word reveals, He has a reason for the hurts we don't often expect or even enjoy. That is to draw us closer to Himself and like Lysa said that will "never disappoint." It still hurts, but when the pain has a purpose He provides peace.
As we move to chapter 15, Lysa focuses on death and how God is NOT surprised. Actually it's been part of His plan since the beginning! So why is it so difficult for me (us) to embrace something He will work through? Because it's hard and it hurts and often times my focus is on the here and now, not the eternal picture that He can see.
My emotions have led me to ask the same question Lysa posed, "How God?" Sometimes I really don't know, but it's then I have to trust. Again a difficult concept at times. Last week that question came up as I started getting results from the tests and it seemed there was no way things God had put on my heart could take place after hearing the direction my life was heading.
I wouldn't consider my current situation a mess, but it's different than what I expected and thus Lysa's words, "stay in the hard place, fulfill the mission, let your dream die NOW, eventually life will spring from it" really hit home. Maybe this is all God's way of breaking me and showing me this will happen according to His plan, not mine. And when He puts these pieces together, His light will shine!!
So though the pain doesn't always make sense and death hurts, I know there is a reason. Obviously it is never mine, human nature never wants to experience pain or loss, but God knows best. These hard times change me, help me grow, cause me to mature and draw me closer to Him!! So as Mercy Me sings, "Jesus, bring the rain," so like Casting Crowns, I can "Praise You in the storm!"
Once again it is amazing to see how the chapters line up with the life I have been living!! The last 10 days have been a visit to the land of unknown as I had some medical tests done and simply had to wait. The pain I experienced wasn't physical, but instead emotional as I didn't know what was going on.
Even though I wondered and worried what was to come, with God's help I was able to press through. I appreciated the story Lysa shared about Ken, a friend who'd lost his wife, and his reminder to enjoy the moment because life is precious. What a great truth, one that I lose track of all too often. Especially when pain and unplanned experiences take place, I focus on the problem rather than the praise.
Which was exactly the case last week as I was overwhelmed with what was going on and constantly trying to figure it out. You know the game, if it's this, that means this, but if it's this, life will unfold like that... More than once my husband had to remind me it wasn't my place to figure things out and a friend simply said, "Trust God - He knows best!" Again great reminders because Satan can use pain and death to distract us and make us ineffective for what God has planned.
But, if we focus on God and the truths His word reveals, He has a reason for the hurts we don't often expect or even enjoy. That is to draw us closer to Himself and like Lysa said that will "never disappoint." It still hurts, but when the pain has a purpose He provides peace.
As we move to chapter 15, Lysa focuses on death and how God is NOT surprised. Actually it's been part of His plan since the beginning! So why is it so difficult for me (us) to embrace something He will work through? Because it's hard and it hurts and often times my focus is on the here and now, not the eternal picture that He can see.
My emotions have led me to ask the same question Lysa posed, "How God?" Sometimes I really don't know, but it's then I have to trust. Again a difficult concept at times. Last week that question came up as I started getting results from the tests and it seemed there was no way things God had put on my heart could take place after hearing the direction my life was heading.
I wouldn't consider my current situation a mess, but it's different than what I expected and thus Lysa's words, "stay in the hard place, fulfill the mission, let your dream die NOW, eventually life will spring from it" really hit home. Maybe this is all God's way of breaking me and showing me this will happen according to His plan, not mine. And when He puts these pieces together, His light will shine!!
So though the pain doesn't always make sense and death hurts, I know there is a reason. Obviously it is never mine, human nature never wants to experience pain or loss, but God knows best. These hard times change me, help me grow, cause me to mature and draw me closer to Him!! So as Mercy Me sings, "Jesus, bring the rain," so like Casting Crowns, I can "Praise You in the storm!"
Monday, August 25, 2008
Today is the day...
Wow, today is the day, the day my first born starts kindergarten!! I can't believe it. We've been talking about and preparing for this for quite sometime, but last night when I actually verbalized the words, "J.D. starts kindergarten tomorrow!" I finally realized my little man is growing up and the next season is about to begin.
As I shared this emotion with my husband, he reminded me, "It's only kindergarten." That's true, he won't graduate tomorrow, and as his teacher I'm sure some days won't go fast enough!! But still this marks the beginning of an era.
He is growing up, something I know he needs to do, but it's hard to think about all that lies ahead. Today he's starting school, next he'll be reading on his own, then he'll be playing football and someday he'll be interested in girls!!! Yikes!!
And as he learns new things, I'm reminded I must do the same - one of the lessons I'll constantly be working on is letting go. If I want him to mature and become a solid young man, I need to gradually loosen the reigns, let him learn on his own and sometimes even suffer the consequences.
All of these thoughts of what lies ahead, not only remind me of the need to let go, but also solidify the idea that though J.D.'s my son, ultimately he is God's child. What a blessing to see him grow and be there as his mom to guide him as he does.
Today is the day...not just the one that marks the start of kindergarten, but one that serves as a reminder that children truly are a gift from the Lord!!
As I shared this emotion with my husband, he reminded me, "It's only kindergarten." That's true, he won't graduate tomorrow, and as his teacher I'm sure some days won't go fast enough!! But still this marks the beginning of an era.
He is growing up, something I know he needs to do, but it's hard to think about all that lies ahead. Today he's starting school, next he'll be reading on his own, then he'll be playing football and someday he'll be interested in girls!!! Yikes!!
And as he learns new things, I'm reminded I must do the same - one of the lessons I'll constantly be working on is letting go. If I want him to mature and become a solid young man, I need to gradually loosen the reigns, let him learn on his own and sometimes even suffer the consequences.
All of these thoughts of what lies ahead, not only remind me of the need to let go, but also solidify the idea that though J.D.'s my son, ultimately he is God's child. What a blessing to see him grow and be there as his mom to guide him as he does.
Today is the day...not just the one that marks the start of kindergarten, but one that serves as a reminder that children truly are a gift from the Lord!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Greatest Honor
Last night at Bible study we were talking about sin - the seriousness of it and the way it should make us feel. That is some pretty heavy stuff, but it was followed up with how gracious and forgiving our Father really is. We are actually working thru a video series hosted by Anne Graham Lotz. Crawford Lorrits and Henry Blackaby join her in presenting the lessons.
As they came to the end of their discussion they addressed the idea of what to do with the guilt we carry because of our sin. One of them said, "The greatest honor we can give God is to believe Him." Wow, that is a statement that speaks volumes.
Not just in regards to sin, but my life in general. I am one to worry all too often - be it about money, what other's think, the future, the list goes on.... But as I do that I know I am doubting God and that is a sin in itself. So when life throws a curve ball and plans don't go the way I have drawn them up, what do I do?
All too often my answer is wrong as I take things into my own hands and worry about all that I can't do. If I'd simply surrender it to God and believe, things would be better, maybe not easier, but there would be peace.
So as I sat there last night in the midst of a struggle with worries about the unknown I was reminded what I needed to do - believe. God has a reason for the storms, the unexpected struggles, everything and it's not my place to figure it out. At times things don't make sense, but His word tells us - He works all things together for good. Now that is a thought to dwell on rather than worrying about what lies ahead.
"Believe - when circumstances make no sense.
As they came to the end of their discussion they addressed the idea of what to do with the guilt we carry because of our sin. One of them said, "The greatest honor we can give God is to believe Him." Wow, that is a statement that speaks volumes.
Not just in regards to sin, but my life in general. I am one to worry all too often - be it about money, what other's think, the future, the list goes on.... But as I do that I know I am doubting God and that is a sin in itself. So when life throws a curve ball and plans don't go the way I have drawn them up, what do I do?
All too often my answer is wrong as I take things into my own hands and worry about all that I can't do. If I'd simply surrender it to God and believe, things would be better, maybe not easier, but there would be peace.
So as I sat there last night in the midst of a struggle with worries about the unknown I was reminded what I needed to do - believe. God has a reason for the storms, the unexpected struggles, everything and it's not my place to figure it out. At times things don't make sense, but His word tells us - He works all things together for good. Now that is a thought to dwell on rather than worrying about what lies ahead.
"The Greatest Honor"
"Lord, how can I honor you?
Lead a Bible study?
Start a mom's group?
Teach Sunday school?
Love my family?
Be a friend?
If that's not it,
what can I do?"
"Believe - when circumstances make no sense.
Believe - when the future is unknown.
Believe - when the world says doubt.
Believe - when the pain is impossible.
Believe - when my plans aren't what you expect.
My child the things you do
bring me glory,
but the greatest honor you can give is
believe in who I Am."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Just what I needed to hear...
Ever feel like God is doing all He can to get your attention? As I read Lysa TerKeurst's book "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" it seemed He was talking to me. This week we are looking at chapters 12 and 13 which Lysa's titled, Learning to Lead and Death Does Not Mean Defeat.
As she opened the first chapter Lysa had my attention reminding me of the fact that I am setting an example - people are watching and modeling the things I do and say. This has been an important concept to me since junior high when I looked up to the high school basketball players, continued as I became the coach, but today I was reminded of the leader I am in my home. With 6 little eyes watching my every move and mimicking the things I do, I must constantly be aware of how I am leading. It's not just with my actions, but they see my spiritual life as well.
Which leads into other questions she posed, "What if I'm not good enough?" "Am I more concerned with pleasing others than I am God?" "What if I mess up?" If I want my children to obey and trust God, they need to see me do that very thing. I can't let fear and worries hold me back. Of all people they know I am not perfect, so what better way to show them that God really does use imperfect people?
In the past I have been excited to think about what God has done and might do thru me, but Lysa's words have created some new excitement. How wonderful to think how our obedience to God might influence someone else, maybe our own children, to step out there and walk in faith as well!!
As I look forward to seeing my children do that very thing someday I know God is preparing me to take the walk now. And as I do it's great to remember that I don't need to worry about where the journey will take me, instead just trust the One who is leading! And as I do what is possible, He will take care of the impossible!
One this journey it seems the one the thing that is impossible is what Lysa addresses in chapter 13 - death!! It doesn't matter what kind of death it is - the actual loss of life, that of a dream, a relationship, the end of anything, dealing with it is hard and often something we don't understand.
But like Lysa said, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Whatever the loss, our experience will draw us closer to Him. As I let go of my plans and the things I think I control I realize it's all about Him. Experience has taught me that the less I rely on myself the better off I am. I'm sorry to say I need to be reminded of that fact all too often, but God provides and continues to show me His ways are higher than mine.
I loved the way Lysa said when I stop fretting, God can start fighting! Oh were those words I needed to hear. I have been waiting since Friday for some medical tests today which I thought would answer the questions we've been facing, well I had the tests, but feel I was simply given more questions instead of answers. It seems I've spent the last 72 hours doing some major fretting, so as I wait I will stop and simply pray that now God will take advantage of the opportunity to fight. (Just like my children are doing right now!!!!!)
As I do that I am reminded to simply trust because He is perfect! Everything about Him - His strength, timing, plans and the peace that He provides. So on a day that has reminded me things don't always turn out the way I expect, Lysa's words were just what I needed to hear! I pray God has worked thru the book to speak to you as well.
As she opened the first chapter Lysa had my attention reminding me of the fact that I am setting an example - people are watching and modeling the things I do and say. This has been an important concept to me since junior high when I looked up to the high school basketball players, continued as I became the coach, but today I was reminded of the leader I am in my home. With 6 little eyes watching my every move and mimicking the things I do, I must constantly be aware of how I am leading. It's not just with my actions, but they see my spiritual life as well.
Which leads into other questions she posed, "What if I'm not good enough?" "Am I more concerned with pleasing others than I am God?" "What if I mess up?" If I want my children to obey and trust God, they need to see me do that very thing. I can't let fear and worries hold me back. Of all people they know I am not perfect, so what better way to show them that God really does use imperfect people?
In the past I have been excited to think about what God has done and might do thru me, but Lysa's words have created some new excitement. How wonderful to think how our obedience to God might influence someone else, maybe our own children, to step out there and walk in faith as well!!
As I look forward to seeing my children do that very thing someday I know God is preparing me to take the walk now. And as I do it's great to remember that I don't need to worry about where the journey will take me, instead just trust the One who is leading! And as I do what is possible, He will take care of the impossible!
One this journey it seems the one the thing that is impossible is what Lysa addresses in chapter 13 - death!! It doesn't matter what kind of death it is - the actual loss of life, that of a dream, a relationship, the end of anything, dealing with it is hard and often something we don't understand.
But like Lysa said, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Whatever the loss, our experience will draw us closer to Him. As I let go of my plans and the things I think I control I realize it's all about Him. Experience has taught me that the less I rely on myself the better off I am. I'm sorry to say I need to be reminded of that fact all too often, but God provides and continues to show me His ways are higher than mine.
I loved the way Lysa said when I stop fretting, God can start fighting! Oh were those words I needed to hear. I have been waiting since Friday for some medical tests today which I thought would answer the questions we've been facing, well I had the tests, but feel I was simply given more questions instead of answers. It seems I've spent the last 72 hours doing some major fretting, so as I wait I will stop and simply pray that now God will take advantage of the opportunity to fight. (Just like my children are doing right now!!!!!)
As I do that I am reminded to simply trust because He is perfect! Everything about Him - His strength, timing, plans and the peace that He provides. So on a day that has reminded me things don't always turn out the way I expect, Lysa's words were just what I needed to hear! I pray God has worked thru the book to speak to you as well.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Waiting
Sometimes it's hard...
Sometimes I cry...
Sometimes I don't know why...
But, then I lift my head,
I lift my eyes and
I lift my heart.
I see You, Lord -
the Creator of all things
and my Immanuel.
Life doesn't get easier,
the tears still fall and
I still don't understand.
But, I see Your promises,
I trust in Your plan
and I rest in Your peace.
Sometimes it's hard - a time I can relate to at this exact moment...resting in His peace, the very thing I'm doing at this exact moment.
After a Dr.'s appointment yesterday that only revealed more questions without answers and worries about the unknown my mind has been busy. As I think about the what if's and anxiously wait for Tuesday when the next tests are scheduled, I am constantly reminding myself not to worry. Rather than conversing with myself, I need to go to God. Easier said than done at times, but I know this is a possible storm that God is already working in.
As I told my husband I just wish I knew what it was! He simply said, "We're not supposed to know everything." I struggled with that at first, but realize if we knew everything, I wouldn't have to trust God. Really when you come to that place of uncertainty, you realize the value in being able to trust the One who is all-knowing and all-powerful.
As I strive to do this, it isn't always easy, but the peace that comes with surrendering it all to Him is a blessing. Because of my tendency to worry it's one I've experience a few times in the last 24 hours.
But in this time of waiting, He's not only blessed me with His presence, but also revealed Himself and reminded me of a few vital truths. He is in control, This is His plan, and I need to trust Him!!
He's also given me some words that will one day serve as a reminder of the work He has done...
"Waiting"
Time moves slow
while my mind races.
I counter worries
of the unknown,
with excitement of
what might be.
I treat life like
a math problem
and think eventually
I'll figure it out.
But no matter how
hard I work,
the answer will
never be rushed.
Life isn't a problem
for me to solve,
but a plan
that God will reveal.
This process takes place
on His time, not mine.
And the lesson is learned
on the journey,
not by arriving
at the destination.
What is God teaching you while you wait in the moments that are hard, make you cry and leave you asking "Why?"
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