Confirmation?

"You must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and take care of you. I, the Lord, have spoken!" Then the Lord touched my mouth and said, "See, I have put My words in your mouth!" Jeremiah 1:7b-9

Nearly two and a half years ago, I opened my prayer journal and the above verse was at the top of the page. The words struck me and have continued to be powerful since that September night in 2006.

You see, at the time God had put a book on my heart, but my doubts led me to believe it wasn't possible and maybe I had gotten the wrong message. After sharing my first 20 pages with a close friend, she encouraged me in my work and advised that I keep seeking God's direction.

I did just that and like I said, He led me to the words above. And though I doubted my ability to write a book, the words in Jeremiah reminded me though my fingers would strike the keys, it was God who would supply the words.

And that He did! At times I'm excited, but most of the time I'm a bit scared, you see my walk of faith will be available for the world to read in two months. Letters from Leanne - The Beauty of a Spiritual Mother-Daughter Relationship has just moved past the final editing deadline.

As this process comes to completion, I know God isn't finished. He hasn't just asked me to write a book, now He is showing me I will have to speak about this. Which is scary - writing alone in my basement is one thing, speaking in front of others is another. But if it's God's will, I know He will make it happen. And in a way, He has as I've shared my story with our MOPS group, in my women's Sunday School class and on my blog. But each time I finish, I have the feeling that I could have done better...

Which brings me to what this post is all about - about a year ago, I read about Proverbs31 She Speaks conference for the first time. A conference designed to encourage and educate women and teenage girls who feel called to speak, write, blog or lead ministry. When I first read about it, the thought of me attending never crossed my mind, but last July as I read posts from those who attended, God really put it on my heart.

At the time my book was being reviewed by a few publishers and I knew speaking would be part of the journey, so I began praying for God's guidance in all of this. By the end of July I was convinced to start saving money even though the thought of me, an Iowa farm wife traveling across the US was scary - it seemed this was what God wanted...

Until mid-August when we found out we were expecting our 4th child. Initially I was shocked, because this didn't line up with our plans at all, but in time I embraced the idea and looked forward to welcoming a new member of our family.

That joy didn't last long; on August 30 I had a miscarriage and had to say good-bye to a baby I would never hold. The experience was painful, but yet God was at work. I had yet to hear about any plans for my book, but prior to the miscarriage had really wrestled with the idea of publishing or not.

You see not everyone is in favor of me sharing my story because some don't understand my faith. But as God led me through the darkest days I've ever experienced my faith became stronger and so did my desire to share. Just 10 days after our loss, I was presented the opportunity to sign a contract for my book.

Now we fast forward to this past January when the editing process is in full swing and the publisher is beginning to discuss promotions of the book, the She Speaks conference comes back to mind. A dream I thought had died seemed to be resurrected.

Though it felt God was leading me there, my reasons for not attending were much greater in number. No matter what excuse I thought of, it still came back to the biggest "pro" there was - God was telling me to go.

One day I showed the website to my husband and he asked if it would be beneficial and after I answered yes, he said, "I don't know if I'd send you alone." So I approached my friend and co-author about the possibility of us going together. She was excited about the idea until she heard the dates, July 31-August 2. She will be leading a High School mission trip in Colorado at that time, so I thought the dream had died again.

Until my husband tells me you could fly and meet up with one of the blogger girls, so why don't you register. Again I was surprised, but I kept putting it in God's hands. Which is a constant necessity because it seems I'm trying to convince Him I can't do this.

So much so that in late January, I wrote this, "Lord, are you calling me to do this by myself? I don't know, please show me. Driving home I was thinking about this - why do you want me to go? Do you have plans I don't understand? I know you do, but is this part of it? I thought of Renee telling us how you give us experiences so we can share and I think of all that's happened and wonder what you will do with that. I don't know, but I let my mind go and then I thought, 'is that what I want?' Honestly I was thinking about what that meant - stepping out, change, being in the light and my answer was no, but God then you reminded me, it's not about what I want. It's all about you."

Time has continued to pass and for awhile I had myself convinced I was to attend, but I've kept those thoughts to myself for fear of others thinking I'm crazy. And events of the last week have me doubting once again and wondering how God is putting this all together - me, a shy farm girl, who's family thinks I'm too "religious" writing a book, attending a conference in North Carolina that will equip me to speak up about my faith.

Sometimes it makes no sense at all, but God keeps moving me forward. So much so that last week I read Lysa TerKeurst's blog and she shared that they were giving away a registration to She Speaks. My reaction was similar to my initial thoughts about the conference - that sounds great...for someone else. But today my husband said, "There's a reason you read that."

I know there is and I'm wondering if it's for confirmation. Obviously if I won, I'd get the message that this is part of God's plan for me, but I also know He just might work by me simply putting these thoughts out there for you to read.

I'll close with my final thoughts from my prayer journal back in September of '06 and though I worry and doubt this is still the prayer of my heart, "Lord, I want to do your will - show me and Lord, then give me the confidence, strength and ability. I know I can trust you!"

Pressing On

This weeks chapter in Jennifer Rothschild’s book was about Pressing On. And again the timing amazes me. Much of her talk is about pressing on when we’ve made a mistake, but right now I’m involved in pressing on when times are difficult.

I’m still not sure what all lies ahead, but daily things are happening that make me ask God, “What is going on?” I know there are times when I need to trust rather than understand and it feels like now is one of those times. As I struggle with what is taking place I know I must keep speaking truth to myself and most of the time I am, but yet there are moments that it is just hard.

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense...we wonder...God how can you use this for good? Why do I have to walk this road? What is going on?

Pressing on is never an easy thing to do, but it’s exactly what we need and God wants, so my prayer is that is what I will do. And I thank you for your prayers as well. I will be back with more details as they unfold. Blessings.

In need of rest...

It is once again Tuesday, time for Lelia's study on Jennifer Rothschild's book Self Talk, Soul Talk. This week we're looking at the idea of rest for our soul and what a timely topic that is.

It seems the last ten days have been filled with some unexpected events. Really it's not events as it's an isolated matter, but it's one that has consumed my thoughts. My mind has been taken over by the what if's, worries and fears of where this might lead.

The other night as we turned off the lights, I told my husband I wished I could turn off my mind. If it was only that easy - flip a switch and the thinking stops. But it seems to have the opposite effect, I turn the lights off and the speed of my mind only seems to pick up. So once again these Yes to God Tuesdays are just what I need.

It is obvious my soul needs to chill out!! Jennifer reminded me that I have control over this - this "kind of rest is a decision." Wow, that is big! I can't let my mind control me, I have to control it. And sometimes that means choosing to shut it off.

How can I do this? I think she answered that question with these words, "Our souls ultimately find rest in God." I have to turn to him and realize my need for the rest only he provides.

So tonight when I turn out the lights, I'll start talking to Him rather than listening to myself. I know He will provide just what I need - rest, wonderful rest...not just for the body, but more importantly for my soul.

Not True Yet

I was reading Jennifer Rothschild's book, Self Talk Soul Talk, and a topic in the last chapter really has me thinking. She had spent sometime talking about the importance of looking back and recalling memories. She spoke of the importance of the good and the bad, but her focus was on looking at what God had done.

I couldn't agree with her more. I'm one who loves to reflect and whenever I do, I am constantly amazed at how God is putting the pieces of my life together.

But at the same time I'm struggling with the topic she closed the chapter with - looking ahead. It's not bad to look ahead, at times it is quite necessary, but her thoughts revolved around the idea of worry, which is something I have a tendancy to do.

She shared a conversation where the gal talked about the time we waste as we focus on things that are not true and even those that are not true yet. I feel like I've been in that place for the last week.

Some events are taking place that I don't understand and it appears all signs point to possible difficulty down the road. I've been in this place before, which in a way makes it even worse because I think I know what is to come.

Which brings me back to her words about things that are "not true yet." It can be hard to just rest in his peace when it seems pain is right around the corner, but yet I know God will work through the good and the bad.

So even though it's not true yet, like my husband said, "It's not true now" and we must be thankful for that. And regardless of what lies ahead, I know, because I've looked back, that God will carry me through.

Win or Lose

Last night I was able to attend a Regional Final high school basketball game. The winner earned themselves a ticket to Des Moines and the opportunity to play in the state tournament. The atmosphere was wonderful and action was intense, both brought back memories from 15 years ago. Back in '94 I was the senior dreaming of playing at state, but the loss we suffered ended that dream.

As I watched some of the girls experience what I had years ago my mind went to work. I was taking advantage of the opportunity to remember. And as I thought about the days gone by, I started to think about winning and losing.

Why is it losing tends to stick out? Or at least it does for me. I mean even as they introduced the teams last night Waukon had a record of 19-1 and my focus immediately went to the lone loss. When did it happen? Who did they lose too? By how many points?

Why do I focus on that? Because it's not just an isolated occurrence - our record was 18-5 and I know I could tell you who we lost to and pretty much could give you the scores as well. I thought about this and tried to answer the same question I just posed, I have yet to do that, but have had some interesting thoughts.

As a former player and coach I realize the value of a loss, sometimes it actually holds more worth than a win. It can serve as a wake-up call, it builds character, unites teams and puts things in perspective.

I know this is all true in the world of sports, but does it apply to the rest of life? Again I started searching for an answer and my mind went back to a sports related event. As a freshman in college I was playing ball when I tore my ACL and saw my career come to an end. This loss hurt more than losing any game, now the sport was taken from me, but thru time there was gain.

God began working as I searched for reasons for the pain and He provided as I realized my life had to revolve around Him, not a little orange ball. Yes it hurt, but the pain had a purpose and eventually the loss was a gain.

As my mind kept working I took the opportunity to think about the greatest personal loss I've ever encountered - last August we experienced a miscarriage. The loss still hurts and has created questions that I'm sure will last forever, but still God has worked through it. My faith has grown and my desire to share with others has increased as well.

Then I think about this past November when my 98 year old Grandma passed away. It was a loss we expected, but it still hurt. And still does at times, especially when my little ones think of her and the questions start all over again. But as I took a look at this memory thoughts went to how I focused on my loss - my grandma was a dear lady full of wisdom and joy missed by many. But I know she is in a better place, so really my loss is her gain. And like my little boy reminds his sister, someday we will see her again forever and ever.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea - there is value in loss, God works in it and through it. Strengthening us and impacting others. I had no idea a basketball game could trigger thoughts like this, but I'm thankful I was reminded of the value in taking advantage of the opportunities to remember.

When we take the time to look back, we are reminded of God's hand in everything. His faithfulness in the past gives us strength to face the future. And in this life sometimes we lose, so we need to remember His power, promises and provision in order to get up and face tomorrow.

And remember win or lose, He's on our side!!

Why we need to speak up...

“How can we be silent?”

The world is hurting and

He can heal the pain.

The problems are endless and

He is the answer.

Relationships are broken and

He can make them better.

People are suffering and

He provides comfort.

Countries are at war and

He offers peace.

Everyone makes mistakes and

He grants forgiveness.

Our lives are a mess and

He can wash them clean.

The world has a need and

Only Jesus can fill it.

How can we be silent

When He can do so much?

A Big Step

Hello again! I feel like life has taken over and I've been away from blog land for quite sometime! I'd have to say those feelings are real because that's exactly what has happened.

In the last two weeks, my baby has turned 2 and my oldest just celebrated his 6th birthday. So we've had plenty of cake, presents and parties. On top of that Saturday marks the editing deadline for my book. A process that is much more intense than I ever imagined!

On top of that I, along with 4 others, have taken a big step of organizing a woman's conference. This week that too has become a reality. We have marked October 31, 2009 on the calendar and have made contact with Renee Swope from Proverbs31, who has agreed to be our keynote speaker.

At times it still amazes me that this is all happening, but God is a faithful God and continues opening the door. My prayer is He will keep strengthening me as He calls me to take these big steps.