She Speaks '12 - The Prayer Room: Yet Another Surprise

There's still so much to say about She Speaks, but today I want to focus on the prayer room. If you've never been to a prayer room, specifically the one at She Speaks, I want to share one thing...it is holy ground. God is there!

It is a great place to go and be alone even in the midst of 650 women, but it's also a place where God speaks. You see each year the P31 women pray specifically for everyone who will attend. They also "randomly" place our name under a name of God...3 years ago I found my name and God spoke powerfully. Needless to say I was looking forward to a similar experience this year!

So Friday night I found myself in the prayer room, I spent some time quieting my heart and just soaking it all in and then moved to the front of the room to find my name. I circled around looking at every paper, recognizing some names, stopping to pray and wondering where mine would be. I wondered what God had to say.

I came to the very last table, the very last paper and there it was, Jill Beran, attached to the sheet that said, "Jehovah Saboath - The Lord of Hosts, The Lord of Armies." And my first thought, that's the same place it was 3 years ago. My thoughts continued and I came to the conclusion, yes, the battle still goes on.



I then read the rest of the sign and jotted down these words, "The Lord of heaven will always fulfill His purposes, even when the hosts of His earthly people fail." I quickly wrote down the scripture verses and then attended my first session.

Later that night, my roommate and I were talking about our names of God and how we were each surprised to find our name under the same name as when we previously attended.

Honestly it was a bit of a left down; I was ready for something new, ready for the battle to be over. By the next morning God had given me something new.

I was up and a bit nervous about my publisher appointments, but the emotion that had hit hard was doubt. I mean really, me meet with a publisher, one the same gal who'd accepted Renee Swope's book.

Then God spoke to me, Jill, I'm the Lord of Armies, 3 years ago that calmed your fears as you felt opposition from outsiders, but right now you are your own worst enemy. Ouch, that hurt a bit, but it was (and is) so true.

Friend sometimes it's others who fail, but often times it's ME!! Though that happens, God's purpose will prevail. Does that mean I went to the meetings and received a contract for my book? No and perhaps I never will, but it does mean I walked in with confidence and complete trust in the ONE who'd brought me to that place.

1 Samuel 17:45 was one of the references listed on the Name of God sheet. It says, "David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied."

This verse, one I'd actually unpacked a bit in chapter 2, helped. Through these words, God reminded me, He is a consistent God. His Word is alive. He's not going to move us on until we've learned the lesson He is currently teaching, even if it's been three years!

And the thing with God is there is always more to learn, not sure why I was surprised! Friend, can I encourage you today if something He's done or said has left you surprised or wondering, don't just accept it as fact, dig in and ask Him to help you understand. I believe you will find a message, a powerful one, just like I did. And you will grow in the process, just yesterday I dug even deeper and for the first time found myself reading commentaries instead of just listening to my pastor quote them.

I have much to learn about Jehovah Saboath and I have to believe there's much more God wants to teach you as well!!

A day late...

Sorry for the delay in posting the winner to my give-away; a migraine set in and changed plans for the day! Thank you all for taking part and sharing this post with your friends. I was encouraged by your words! If you didn't win the book, I pray you will look into getting a copy for yourself!

So now for the news you're all waiting for -

Danielle Jones
is the name
my little lady drew as the winner!!

Congrats to you Danielle! So thankful I had the opportunity to meet you at She Speaks; your sweet smile still brings a smile to my face! Pray this book blesses you and we're all wondering how your husband responded upon hearing the title!!

May you all have a blessed day!!

She Speaks 2012 - How it all began...

Have you ever done something and when it's over you're left speechless? That happened to me this weekend...I was blessed to attend Proverbs31 Ministries She Speaks Conference in North Carolina. It was amazing, but I'm struggling to sum things up and put it all into words, so today I'm going back to how it all began.

Three years ago I was blessed and a bit scared (OK a lot scared) to attend...it was a huge step for this stay-at-HOME Mom, who rarely left the farm let alone the state!! But God did it and before I left NC I knew I would return.

A year ago our little Jesse arrived days before the conference, but a good friend called from the Embassy Suites as SS came to a close and God put it on my heart to begin praying about attending in 2012. All thru the fall and into the winter, God confirmed His plans for me to go, but as registration neared a lack of confidence settled in.

I mean there was the financial side of things, my nursing baby who was a MOMMA'S boy, the thought of leaving 5 children home and the doubts, especially the doubts. I mean really God, why me? A simple farmer's wife who's only platform is my steps out the back door! But it wouldn't go away, so I kept praying...

Registration opened and my husband (Job) and I began to talk about it more; he clearly supported me and assured me all would be fine. But little Miss Indecisive just thought and thought about it until I nearly drove myself C-R-A-Z-Y!! Finally one day, Job asked me, "What are you going to do?"

I replied, "Whatever you tell me to do." Then I clearly remember walking away and praying, "Lord, help me accept what He has to say." Because honestly at times I thought it was my flesh that wanted to have a little break, see some friends and be filled up by some amazing speakers. I anticipated God telling me no thru my husband (and my insecure, fearful self wanted that) so I began to prepare my heart for that very thing.

Time  passes and after a long day of field work, Job says to me, "You're not going to believe this..." So I respond, "OK" and he continues, "I was listening to country music in the tractor today..." He was right that was a surprise, but I didn't say a word because I knew there was more. He continues, "A song came on about life moving by, things changing and how we need to do things now. It was as if God said, 'Jill needs to go to She Speaks, that we shouldn't wait."

Honestly this surprise was bigger than the fact that he had listened to country music, but the only reaction it created was tears. I knew realistically it made sense for my husband to say "no" so this conversation confirmed God's call...a confirmation that overwhelmed me and reminded me of Isaiah 55:8-9 -

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my 

ways,” declares the Lord.   “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are 

my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

 As I sat in North Carolina this past weekend, this verse came to mind quite often, I'm so thankful God opened doors, confirmed the call and is writing my story. A story that is not yet finished, so stop by soon to hear the next piece of my journey to She Speaks 2012. Until then, I encourage you to trust the One whose ways are high...

How do you spell...

The title of this post is a question I often hear, especially from my little perfectionist daughter, but I understand, the teacher in me doesn't like spelling errors either. But lately I've been thinking about my blog, the one you thought was extinct since I haven't posted since May. And every time I do a question comes to mind. You see, I can start to feel guilty like I should have been posting regularly and can even allow this to create doubt as I find myself working on a book proposal. I mean who am I to think I could write a book when I can't even create a weekly blog post? Really...

So the last couple of weeks each time these thoughts entered my mind, so would the question, "How do you spell summer?" The answer might surprise you; I know it would bother my daughter! But since I'm taking a break from teaching, I'll accept this answer...for the last 6+ weeks in our house we've been spelling summer like this B-U-S-Y!! As my son would say, "That breaks all the rules!" But it's true!

We've had VBS, swimming lessons, field work, sleepovers, weddings, fair, potty training...and honestly this summer I'm being challenged to spell love a bit differently as well, so I'm intentionally trying to take T-I-M-E with my little people who are growing up way too fast! So though summer is busy it really is going well and I'm thankful!

I hope the next few days continue to go well because I know they will be busy! I'll keep up with the T-I-M-E spelling of love too, only this weekend I'll be spending time with the One who loves me in a way only He can. I have plans to fly to North Carolina Friday AM for Proverbs 31 She Speaks Conference. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I know this is part of God's plan and I know He will meet me there, but the reality of leaving Job and the kids is hitting and creating some guilt and fear.

As I type all of this and allow my thoughts to get a bit overwhelming, God is giving me another spelling word. I hear Him ask, "Jill how do you spell TRUST?" Without giving me time to respond, He whispers, "O-B-E-Y!" So true...friend I'm not sure how God is asking you to spend your busy summer or what time to share with those you love, but I pray we will open our ears to hear His plan and then show we trust Him as we obey!

Before I bring this to a close, I'd love to share one more thing: lately I've been challenged with another spelling word...care. One way God has been showing me, I can spell it is P-R-A-Y. I can do a lot of things to show I care about the ones I love, but the greatest thing I can do is pray. I might think I know what they need, but God loves His people more than me and He created their needs, so I trust He can fill them. So with that, I'd love to ask you to pray for me in the days to come...I'm so thankful you care!!

A few specifics -

For my final preparations in these last few days - the writing I need to finish up, packing and preparing things for Job and the kids while I'm gone. And for the ability to really enjoy Jesse's 1st birthday on Thursday!

Please pray for my family when I'm gone...last night Joy was already feeling a bit nervous about it. I'm asking God to bless the time they will enjoy together and with everyone who will be helping out. I'm so thankful for Job's support in all of this...he honestly believes in what God can do through me more than I do myself. I'm grateful for his willingness in all of this and pray God will bless him in big ways!

Please pray that I wouldn't worry, I'd rise above the doubt and simply be who God made me to be! I'm asking Him to empty me of myself so He can fill me! I want to let go of my expectations and embrace all He has for me!

Thank you friend and please I want you to know I care...if you have a prayer request please share and I'd be honored to take the time to lift you up!

A Near Catastrophe

Yesterday we had a near catastrophe in our house! My two oldest children came downstairs...Joy was in tears and J.D. followed behind with a broken trophy in his hands. The trophy belonged to Joy, but was broken by Jaylyn, who was still upstairs with tears.

Joy, my little achiever, was having a real hard time handling her broken trophy. Honestly she was a bit out of control.

J.D., my little guy who loves to give his treasures away, really didn't understand the "big deal."

And Jaylyn, my tender little lady felt really bad even though it was an accident.

So there I was in the midst of making dinner, trying to keep Jesse from crying and keep Jed out of the refrigerator...what had seemed like a challenge now appeared a walk in the park when compared to the crying, finger-pointing and noise that surrounded me.

Earlier in the day, I'd heard our MOPS mentor share how God is great and He holds all things together. Truths I know and believe, but honestly in the midst of these "catastrophes" (they happen more often than I'd like) these truths aren't always the first things that come to mind or dictate my actions. But yesterday they did and as the chaos grew around me, I found myself quietly whispering, "OK God hold this together and hold me together while you're at it!!"

Instantly a verse came to mind and I found myself saying, "What does the Bible say about treasures and them being destroyed?" J.D. went on to say, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." (Matt. 6:19-20)

He recited those words with a look that said, see I told you it's not a big deal!! I asked Joy if she understand the verse, she did, but we continued to talk. Eventually the tears stopped, the conversation came to an end and dinner didn't even get burnt!

Today I bought some super glue and later we'll attempt to fix her trophy, but for now God is using this catastrophe to touch my heart. He's been making me think about my trophies, the ones I worked hard for and even enjoyed receiving, but now sit on the back of a shelf collecting dust or in a box packed away forever. He's also brought to mind treasures I strive for and store up here on earth...ones that will not last.

But He's shown me something else as well...when I stay close to Him, He is near to me and when I speak to Him, He will answer. Like I said my response in moments of chaos is usually one I'm not proud of, but yesterday it was different and I'm grateful...not just because I didn't feel guilty and like a terrible Mom afterwards, but because the moment I shared with my little ones is a treasure...one He will store in heaven!

Friend, today I challenge you to look at the trophies and treasures in your home and in your heart! Take my word for it...don't wait for a catastrophe to force you into action! Examine your heart and ask God to show you the treasures that are eternal!!

G-U-I-L-T-Y

The other night I felt as though I'd been found guilty! I wasn't on trial and there are no court cases in my future. The story I heard didn't involve me, but in my heart I knew...I am guilty.

Let me explain...I heard a guy, Ricky, share a story from his past - there was a boy in his class, let's call him Bob and Bob really didn't fit in. He wasn't an athlete, he wasn't into speech and he didn't excel in the classroom and really he didn't have any friends. But one day Bob said Ricky was his best friend because Ricky was nice.

Ricky told the story a different way, "I wasn't nice to him...I just wasn't mean to him." There is a difference you know!! Time went by, the young men graduated and went there separate ways...Ricky continued his walk into ministry and Bob journeyed on. His was a road filled with pain and despair lacking love and hope. Bob only traveled for a short time...eventually it all was too much and he took his life at the age of 19.

So back to Ricky, the guy Bob had called his best friend and the man I heard share this story 15 years later. This experience will forever be part of his story and fills him with passion today...you see in the days that followed "Bob's" death, God convicted Ricky of the sin of complacency and the other night as I heard this story, He convicted me of it as well.

Friend, if you know Christ as your personal Lord and Savior like I do, we are called to share Him, the Good News and God's love with others. Not the people we choose to, not the ones who look like us or think the way we do, but the ones God puts on our path. We must be intentional. We need to remember there's always someone who needs to know Jesus. We can share with our hands, words and lives. Today I challenge you to do just that and take a few minutes and ask God to search your heart. Are you guilty of complacency? If the verdict is yes, what are you going to do about it?? I'd love to hear!

Perhaps you are reading this and are the "Bob" in my story...if so I want you to know God's led you to this post, so please keep reading, keep seeking. Friend I want you to know, I've been a "Bob"...I know life can leave us empty, hurt and afraid. Perhaps you feel alone, lost or without hope...will you hear me out today? Jesus is real. Listen to what He says, "Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

If you have questions feel free to email me at jillberan@yahoo.com or leave a comment! I am praying for you and want you to know God loves you, sees you and He knows you!!

Look at ME!!

A post from 2008 has come back to mind...I guess I needed to read it again. Maybe you do too...

This past June while attending the local county fair my brother-in-law came across a picture in a scrapbook from years ago. It was of me during my early high school days and as he showed his wife, my husband and children I was embarrassed.

Though everyone laughed, I hurt as I recalled many negative feelings associated with my looks. What really hurts is they haven’t entirely disappeared over the past 20 years. As a child and teen I was a tomboy who enjoyed sports and life on the farm much more than fashion, make-up and the latest hairstyles and my picture proved it.

The doubts on the outside weren’t the only ones I recalled as I took a look at who I once was - I recalled the insecurities as well. The picture brought back a statement I’ve said to myself quite often as I’ve journeyed through life, “look at me!”

These words have never been an attempt to catch everyone’s attention, but instead have given me a reason to doubt. Many times I’ve looked at myself and thought I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worthy enough to do whatever it was someone was asking me to do.

After giving my life to Christ in my early 20’s I caught myself giving the same response to God – “Look at me!!” He obviously had made a mistake; I wasn’t the girl for the job!

In the past few years God has used one of my children’s favorite stories to speak to me. My kids are intrigued with the idea of walking on water and have attempted to do it themselves, but more important than Jesus’ ability to defy nature is the message He has for all of us.

In Matthew 14:22 – 33 the story is told of Jesus walking on water. It begins,“Immediately after this Jesus made his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake while he sent the people home. Afterward he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone. Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves.” I think we can relate, I know there are times when storms hit my life and it feels as though Jesus is far away. In those moments it can be easy to lose focus and rely on my own strength. It is then that the “look at me” worries, fears and doubts resurface and seem just as powerful as the strong winds and heavy waves.

But we read on – “About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came to them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him, they screamed in terror, thinking he was a ghost. But Jesus spoke to them at once, “It’s all right,” he said. I am here! Don’t be afraid.” A man walking on water, who wouldn’t be afraid? But Jesus assures them of His presence and the story continues,

Verses 28 and 29 – “Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you by walking on water.” All right come.” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on water toward Jesus.” Again can we relate? Have you ever felt God’s presence in your life and by faith reacted to his calling? Like Peter have you jumped out of the boat with complete trust in your savior who is calling you? Have you taken the initial step of faith only to experience what came next for Peter?

In verse 30 we read, “But when he looked around at the high waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

I read this verse and can picture Peter mentally saying, “look at me” I’m walking on water and then when the reality of the situation hits I see the statement move from being one of pride to one of fear and doubt. He looks around and sees the danger in the situation coupled with the lack of his own ability to do the very thing Christ told him to do and fear sets in.

As I share this story with my kids, I see myself in this role all too often – God calling me to do something and then in my heart I say yes, but as I survey the situation I too become terrified and start to sink. The “look at me” phrase returns and leads to many excuses in my mind that cause me to sink before my feet even leave the boat.

But as God continues to prove Himself faithful, the final verses of the story carry more power. It says, verses 31 to 33…"Instantly Jesus reached out his hand and grabbed him. “You don’t have much faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” And when they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. Then the disciples worshipped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.”

How many times has Jesus uttered the same words to me? “You don’t have much faith. Why did you doubt me?” For years I believed doubting myself couldn’t hurt God, but I’ve realized that is wrong. If it is Him who lives in me, when I say I can’t who am I referring to? Take a minute and think about that.

As I do just that I think about our evening at the fair and I recall someone saying, “Well at least you can say your looks have improved.” Perhaps, but more importantly than what’s on the outside is what’s happened internally.

2 Corinthians 5:17 tells us, “What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!” I’m grateful I don’t see the same person anymore and I’m more thankful that every time I hear the familiar phrase “look at me” I’m beginning to sense God whispering, “No Jill, look at me.”

Though He has yet to call me out of the boat and literally walk on water, He has asked me to do things I never thought I would do. How does this happen? By keeping my eyes on Jesus. As Peter did this he did the unimaginable – he walked on water! When I focus on Christ, though the winds may blow and the waves rage, He keeps me from falling and proves himself true. Sisters he will do the same for you – keep listening for his voice, you will hear him say, “Look at me.”