When the tears fall...

July 2001 - Tears of Joy - June 2013 - Tears of Pain

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Me too...last night as a matter of fact. My grandma passed away on the 15th after a battle with cancer. In her last week, we knew the end was near, but still the news was hard to hear. 

Tuesday was the funeral and honestly I did something I NEVER thought I would -
I spoke, shared from my heart and cried in front of a church that was full. 

It was something God had put on my heart when I finally accepted she wasn't going to get better like she always had. It was something I shared with my husband minutes before receiving the call. I know that was God's timing...had I not told Job, I'm not sure I would have obeyed, but instead early Saturday morning I told my mom, "If they ask if anyone wants to share, I think I do." 

I hung up the phone, thinking - What did I just say? I began to pray that God would give me the message, the time to prepare and most importantly the strength to share. And He did. I truly believe He was at work planting seeds...in my heart and in the listener's as well.

Numerous people told me, "I could never do that!" My words, "I couldn't do it either...God did that." 

I'm grateful I was obedient, God taught me much, drew me close and proved Himself faithful yet again.

But yesterday after receiving another message about making Grandma B proud, I lost it. My thoughts were no longer on God's goodness, faithfulness and power; no, they were on my loss. I thought, "She's not even here. What difference did they make? She's still gone."

I sat and cried, missing the woman I'd shared so much about. Like my little Jaylyn said, "It's going to be different without Grandma B." All day I was a bit numb to the world around me, finding myself consumed with grief. 

I put the kids to bed and as my husband planted beans, I decided to call it a day. My head hit the pillow, a blanket my grandma had made covered me and again the tears began to fall. 

Then God reminded me of words I'd shared, "Grandma knew the Bible stories she’d read to us and more importantly she knew Jesus, the One God sent to save us. She had the hope of heaven and the same God that’s carried her home is the One carrying us through. Because of my relationship with Him, I look forward to seeing her again!"

With that, He also brought to mind the only powerful words I'd spoken, ones that come from HIS Word - 

Romans 10:9-10 - "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved."

My grandma had done this...she knew she was going to heaven. I can rest knowing she is there. (Doesn't make the tears stop, but does provide peace!)

2 Timothy 4:7 - "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful."

These words describe my grandma well and it's what she would want me to do. Lord, help me do it!

Finally, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 - "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ."

With this I was reminded that God can comfort me because He knows what it's like to lose someone He loves. During these hard days and in the sadness, He wants me to draw close, not push away. Grandma is safe with Him, and really I am too. 

As my tears fell, He answered the question I'd asked earlier in the day, "What difference did they (my words) make?" In my pain, they provided TRUTH. They served as a reminder of WHO was my strength - God had helped me do something I never thought I could do the day before and now He was reminding me He could do the same in the days to come. He'd strengthened me to share words I never imagined I could speak and He was assuring me He'd do the same as I faced the future without someone I love. 

Now another day is coming to an end and the tears are falling again. Though my vision is blurred, my eyes are on Him. I trust Him. I choose to believe Him. He says He will comfort me, so I'm praying I will receive what He wants to offer. 

Friends, would you join me in praying for the same? Grandma B left behind 6 children, 15 grandchildren, 28 great-grandchildren, 2 great-great children and many others who loved her dearly who may just be crying themselves to sleep tonight...they need His comfort too! Thank you!