Monday, November 10, 2008

An Interesting Call

Tonight I received a call that created plenty of emotions. A girl I coached a few years back called and asked if I had heard, I hadn't, so she went on to tell me she was pregnant. I was surprised and really not sure what to say - she's young and not married, so I asked the first question that came to mind, "When is the baby due?" She said, "April" and instantly thoughts turned to the baby I was supposed to deliver next spring. So I asked another question, "What day?" and she responded, "The 9th." That number sounded a lot like the 19th, the day I looked forward to until it took on a whole new meaning after our miscarriage on August 30th.

Needless to say my mind was going in many directions, but I listened as she spoke of her plans for the future, shared a little info about the baby's dad and told about her parents' reaction. As I listened I also prayed. I needed comfort for the pain that came back out of no where and guidance as to how I could help this girl who has always looked up to me. The guidance came first as I invited her to our MOPS meeting next week and shared a bit about the ministry and offered to listen or talk.

Once our conversation ended my need for comfort increased as the pain seemed to take over. I was taken right back to the sadness I had experienced months ago and the questions returned as well. Why Lord? Why did I lose my baby? Why did you take a baby from a family, one with a mom and dad who love each other and wanted this baby? It just didn't make sense and as I type it still doesn't. It hurts and the thing is the young girl is hurt too.

Obviously none of this was in either of our plans, but that's how life is, it's not about my plan, but God's. This past weekend I went to a Hearts at Home conference and was awed with God's presence, the transparency of the speakers and the stories of God's work. As I think about where this phone call has led, I'm reminded of Julie Barnhill's words in her session entitled, "I've Never Told This to Anyone." Much of what she said tied in with Lisa Whittle's book and the need for us to be real. She spoke of the secrets we keep and the pain that produces. She mentioned one area we tend to keep silent is our anger towards God. It's something we know we shouldn't do, but if we're honest during those situations we don't understand we can be angry with him.

Though I'm hurt by the poor choices my young friend made that has led to this point, I'm not angry at her. Honestly I'm thankful she is choosing life. But I'd have to say one of my many flaws came out tonight and I was angry, in a way I was angry with God. He took my baby or so it seems.

But as I sit here tonight and just be still I'm reminded of two other things from the conference. Trish Berg spoke of her experience with a miscarriage and the pain and sadness that included, but shared how she found peace knowing she was a vessel for that baby to get to heaven. And Micca Campbell's words about being a widow at the age of 21 came back as well - her husband's days were numbered and my baby's were as well. And as she said, life can stink sometimes, but God is good.

And He is forgiving. So because of that, tonight I ask for his forgiveness and after hours of emotions I finally feel at rest because of His peace. Yes I am flawed, much more than I like to admit, but there is a purpose - it's only because of these flaws that I sense the necessity of His forgiveness and the depth of His love.

If you'd like to read more about flaws and forgiveness, head to Lelia's blog as she hosts a study on Lisa Whittle's book, Behind Those Eyes.

8 comments:

  1. Jill-You have an amazing spirit. I am so glad you felt God's presence at Hearts at Home last weekend. I did as well. I am sorry for your loss, and wanted to share some otehr resources for moms who have suffered a miscarriage.

    "Mommy Please Don;t Cry" is a book that will make you cry, but heal as well.

    :Glory Baby" by Watermark is a song that I listened to several times a day for months and months,a nd cried and cried, but also healed.

    Hope the moms out there know that God is good, and He loves them, and their babies.

    WIsh you many blessings-Trish Berg
    Author, Hearts at Home Speaker
    www.TrishBerg.com

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  2. Micca is right. Life just stinks sometimes. I am sorry, friend, that this hurt swells up like this sometimes. I cannot pretend to understand this kind of loss. But I think it must be something that will become part of you? I don't know. I pray for words of comfort, but I know that He will hold you. I am thankful that you heard words at the conference that you can hold on to. His hands were there.
    This is me, hugging you...
    Laura

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  3. Jill, I am so sorry that you have suffered such loss. But I am thankful that you have been able to share that with us.

    The speaker you wrote about who shared the message entitled "I've never told this to anyone" is wise.
    I am learning that by sharing ~ somehow healing comes.

    I am praying for you my friend,
    Cindy

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  4. Jill, every time you share your pain, and how God is carrying you through (even when you doubt! At least you know Who to bring your questions and anger to!!) this time,.... you are bringing glory to His Name!

    So blessed to be on this journey with you,
    Darlene

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  5. Jill,
    My heart hurts with you at the pain that you experience(d), but also rejoice with you in knowing that your being REAL will bless you, and heal you, and allow us all to love on you and pray for you - and your young friend.
    Sometimes life just hurts. I experienced two pregnancy losses (ectopic) before finally giving birth to my third child. It made no sense at the time, and I still wish it had not happened, but the lessons I learned from God, the trust that I developed, and the comfort I was given by our Lord and other's was something I would never trade.
    Hang in there, Jill.
    His love is so, so big.

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  6. I'm so sorry that call brought your hurt to the surface again. What a precious heart you have to set it aside to minister to your young friend--even to recognize she's hurting too. It's so easy to be consumed by our own pain. I'm glad you were able to express all of the hurt and anger to your loving heavenly Father. So often we feel we can only approach him all fixed up in our 'Sunday best' when He really wants us to come straight in from the mud without wiping our shoes. I hope you had the kind of blessed rest that only comes from really releasing your burden to Him. The sweetest sleep ever often comes after a good cry.

    I admire your ability to allow Him to use the hard things to His glory.

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  7. Oh wow Jill. I love your honesty in this post. I can't imagine how hard that phone call was for you. Only God is the One that can really feel the pangs of your heart, for His hands are wrapped tightly around it.
    I'm glad that in the middle of your pain you reached out to her. April 9th is my grandgirl's birthday...unexpected life and death...there is so much beauty for us to behold if we keep our gaze on Him.
    Love you Jill,
    Lelia

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  8. Jill thank you so much for sharing with us.
    I will pray for both you and this young woman.
    I am so glad that you found peace in God's arms. I too have found peace in His arms as I have struggled with anger at him for many things. He already knows we are angry with him. He wants us to express it to him. It is so hard. But so healing... especially when we feel his love and forgiveness flooding over us.
    God bless you,
    Heather

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