Tonight I received a call that created plenty of emotions. A girl I coached a few years back called and asked if I had heard, I hadn't, so she went on to tell me she was pregnant. I was surprised and really not sure what to say - she's young and not married, so I asked the first question that came to mind, "When is the baby due?" She said, "April" and instantly thoughts turned to the baby I was supposed to deliver next spring. So I asked another question, "What day?" and she responded, "The 9th." That number sounded a lot like the 19th, the day I looked forward to until it took on a whole new meaning after our miscarriage on August 30th.
Needless to say my mind was going in many directions, but I listened as she spoke of her plans for the future, shared a little info about the baby's dad and told about her parents' reaction. As I listened I also prayed. I needed comfort for the pain that came back out of no where and guidance as to how I could help this girl who has always looked up to me. The guidance came first as I invited her to our MOPS meeting next week and shared a bit about the ministry and offered to listen or talk.
Once our conversation ended my need for comfort increased as the pain seemed to take over. I was taken right back to the sadness I had experienced months ago and the questions returned as well. Why Lord? Why did I lose my baby? Why did you take a baby from a family, one with a mom and dad who love each other and wanted this baby? It just didn't make sense and as I type it still doesn't. It hurts and the thing is the young girl is hurt too.
Obviously none of this was in either of our plans, but that's how life is, it's not about my plan, but God's. This past weekend I went to a Hearts at Home conference and was awed with God's presence, the transparency of the speakers and the stories of God's work. As I think about where this phone call has led, I'm reminded of Julie Barnhill's words in her session entitled, "I've Never Told This to Anyone." Much of what she said tied in with Lisa Whittle's book and the need for us to be real. She spoke of the secrets we keep and the pain that produces. She mentioned one area we tend to keep silent is our anger towards God. It's something we know we shouldn't do, but if we're honest during those situations we don't understand we can be angry with him.
Though I'm hurt by the poor choices my young friend made that has led to this point, I'm not angry at her. Honestly I'm thankful she is choosing life. But I'd have to say one of my many flaws came out tonight and I was angry, in a way I was angry with God. He took my baby or so it seems.
But as I sit here tonight and just be still I'm reminded of two other things from the conference. Trish Berg spoke of her experience with a miscarriage and the pain and sadness that included, but shared how she found peace knowing she was a vessel for that baby to get to heaven. And Micca Campbell's words about being a widow at the age of 21 came back as well - her husband's days were numbered and my baby's were as well. And as she said, life can stink sometimes, but God is good.
And He is forgiving. So because of that, tonight I ask for his forgiveness and after hours of emotions I finally feel at rest because of His peace. Yes I am flawed, much more than I like to admit, but there is a purpose - it's only because of these flaws that I sense the necessity of His forgiveness and the depth of His love.
If you'd like to read more about flaws and forgiveness, head to Lelia's blog as she hosts a study on Lisa Whittle's book, Behind Those Eyes.