Growing up I was always told to remember that I wasn't better than anyone. This instruction was primarily along the lines of athletics or other competitive events. And it was headed, I was never one to be boastful on the court or for that matter really show much emotion at all.
As a coach and teacher I appreciated this attitude. It is never fun to watch anyone flaunt their talents and show disrespect to an opponent or fellow classmate. I'm thankful my parents taught me to compete with class - win or lose.
But the other day I was relating this concept to another area of my life - it seemed I was struggling with the idea of not measuring up to those around me. She was smarter, she dressed nicer, she had a cleaner house, she was a better Mom, she was prettier, that girl was more successful, she had a stronger faith...everywhere I looked the statement was true - I wasn't better than anyone!
Now I've walked this road many times as I've never been real secure in who I am, always doubting my ability and thinking someone else can do better. God is working on this with me though.
I know I've heard about the sin of comparison before, but the other day as I felt myself falling a bit again, I really thought about it. What was I accomplishing as I compared myself to these other women - nothing but bringing myself down and putting them in a role they didn't deserve.
Not a single one of them was doing what my parents wanted me to avoid growing up, they were not boasting in themselves or knocking me down - they were each being the Christian woman God designed them to be. And if I allow our differences to make me feel bad eventually that will lead to problems for me and my relationship with them.
God doesn't compare me to anyone else. In His eyes my worth is not determined by how I measure up to anyone else. He created me to be who I am - my strengths and my weaknesses together are who I am. It's still true He doesn't want me to think I'm better than anyone else, but He's also reminded me not to forget that I'm just as valuable as everyone else.
He accepts me for who I am - even when it seems my hair is always a mess and most of the time my house too, even when I'm not as confident as the person across from me, the list goes on. I'm working on accepting this acceptance and praying He will make me more secure in who I am.
If you have ever felt the same I encourage you to keep looking to God to find your identity, His word reminds us that "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139:13,14) We know it, but do we believe it?
I wanted to share one final thing - there is a new song that has really spoke to me along these lines. Jonny Diaz's "A More Beautiful You" so here are the words, enjoy -
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops
they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose
that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one
the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man
but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one
you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you
there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Looking Ahead...
Yesterday my husband and I attended a wedding. Taylor, my friend's son, was getting married. In the weeks leading up to this day Leanne, his mom, and I have had many conversations. She has shared the joy of wedding prep and the stress of it too.
But the topic that's been on my heart lately revolves around the idea of letting go. Awhile back Leanne was talking about the struggle she has with that and the thought of no longer being the "number 1 girl" in her son's life. Now my little guy is only 6, but the thought creates some emotions.
In our talks last week, I could sense Leanne was at peace with the letting go that lied ahead. She knew Amy was the girl God had for Taylor and their meeting and new life together was all part of God's plan. Though there was peace, as the day that will forever be their anniversary unfolded there was emotion as well.
And really it was primarily joy! What a privilege it is to see two young people come together and commit to living thier lives as one to glorify God. Leanne was letting go of her son, but at the same time gaining a daughter. As the pastor preached, the music was sung and the wedding party spoke the Lord's name was lifted up. Real joy!
After the wedding Leanne told me she had shared a poem I'd written with Taylor and everyone at the rehearsal supper. I was surprised when she said there wasn't a dry eye in the room, but again weddings are a time for emotion. And I suppose when the Mother of the groom says this,
Years ago, I held you
in my arms and thought,
"You are mine."
But with each first step
and new lesson learned,
I've had to let go.
Through the years
you've grown and you've changed,
but I've learned too.
God has shown me
though I am your mother,
you are still His son.
Letting go is not always easy -
I've wondered if you were ready
and been hurt when you were setback.
But as I reflect,
I know there was
a reason for it all.
The ups and the downs,
the good and the bad
have made you who you are.
Now as you prepare to say, "I do"
I will do what I've done -
let go and let God.
...tears are a possibility.
Last night as the evening was coming to an end, Leanne and I shared another conversation. The day they'd worked a year to create was coming to an end and all the hours of preparation was worth it. It had been beautiful.
But as I looked ahead and she reflected back, the work didn't just begin when Taylor gave Amy the ring and asked the question. It was years ago when the two of them were little and Leanne had preschoolers and infants just like me.
Parenting isn't easy, there are times it's very hard. The challenges are on-going and the difficult jobs don't end when the days in diapers do, but when the day comes to let them go the effort will be worth the reward.
As we said our good-byes I handed Leanne a note for the mother of the groom. I reminded her this was not only a wonderful day of celebration for Taylor and Amy, but also for her as well. This is what she raised her son for - her little boy was now a man, the child who'd at times ran wild in her house was now head of his home, and the son she'd shared her faith with now had one of his one.
I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think he whispered to Leanne, "Well done good and faithful servant." And as I look ahead, someday I pray I will hear the same.
But the topic that's been on my heart lately revolves around the idea of letting go. Awhile back Leanne was talking about the struggle she has with that and the thought of no longer being the "number 1 girl" in her son's life. Now my little guy is only 6, but the thought creates some emotions.
In our talks last week, I could sense Leanne was at peace with the letting go that lied ahead. She knew Amy was the girl God had for Taylor and their meeting and new life together was all part of God's plan. Though there was peace, as the day that will forever be their anniversary unfolded there was emotion as well.
And really it was primarily joy! What a privilege it is to see two young people come together and commit to living thier lives as one to glorify God. Leanne was letting go of her son, but at the same time gaining a daughter. As the pastor preached, the music was sung and the wedding party spoke the Lord's name was lifted up. Real joy!
After the wedding Leanne told me she had shared a poem I'd written with Taylor and everyone at the rehearsal supper. I was surprised when she said there wasn't a dry eye in the room, but again weddings are a time for emotion. And I suppose when the Mother of the groom says this,
Years ago, I held you
in my arms and thought,
"You are mine."
But with each first step
and new lesson learned,
I've had to let go.
Through the years
you've grown and you've changed,
but I've learned too.
God has shown me
though I am your mother,
you are still His son.
Letting go is not always easy -
I've wondered if you were ready
and been hurt when you were setback.
But as I reflect,
I know there was
a reason for it all.
The ups and the downs,
the good and the bad
have made you who you are.
Now as you prepare to say, "I do"
I will do what I've done -
let go and let God.
...tears are a possibility.
Last night as the evening was coming to an end, Leanne and I shared another conversation. The day they'd worked a year to create was coming to an end and all the hours of preparation was worth it. It had been beautiful.
But as I looked ahead and she reflected back, the work didn't just begin when Taylor gave Amy the ring and asked the question. It was years ago when the two of them were little and Leanne had preschoolers and infants just like me.
Parenting isn't easy, there are times it's very hard. The challenges are on-going and the difficult jobs don't end when the days in diapers do, but when the day comes to let them go the effort will be worth the reward.
As we said our good-byes I handed Leanne a note for the mother of the groom. I reminded her this was not only a wonderful day of celebration for Taylor and Amy, but also for her as well. This is what she raised her son for - her little boy was now a man, the child who'd at times ran wild in her house was now head of his home, and the son she'd shared her faith with now had one of his one.
I don't want to put words in God's mouth, but I think he whispered to Leanne, "Well done good and faithful servant." And as I look ahead, someday I pray I will hear the same.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Walking thru the valley...
Over a week ago I posted about my current struggle with depression and first of all I'd like to thank you for your kind words and powerful prayers. I did speak with my Dr. and in the last week God is moving me in the right direction. I pray that will continue, so onto my thoughts for today...
The other day I was thinking about Psalm 23 and the words I have said so often, "Yea, though I walk through the valley..." I know David goes on to say "of the shadow of death" but here lately I've felt as though I was in a valley. Not necessarily one created by death, but instead life's events.
As some of you are aware, I am in the process of publishing a book - the idea sounds wonderful, but it's not seen that way by some. Those who don't understand my faith and desire to please God can't comprehend why I'm sharing these stories with the world. At times what some view as a mountain top experience leaves me feeling like I'm in the valley.
Just last week, my husband and I were part of some meetings for homeschool parents. Our oldest just finished kindergarten so we are new to this, but we've witnessed and appreciated the opportunity to teach our son and train him in God's ways. The blessing doesn't come without a cost though - again not everyone understands this decision and as our local public school struggles with rapidly declining enrollment many don't appreciate it. Life can be hard when we are misunderstood and walking through the valley can be a challenge when it seems we're letting others down.
Then there's just the daily things that come with trying to live a Christian life. I tend to be a people pleaser and it can be hard to deal with the thoughts of what others are thinking. God has brought me a long ways on that, but still I'm human and don't like to feel misunderstood by others. In the world we live in today though that is going to happen when we try to live Christ-like. Just the other day my husband and I were talking about not working on Sunday. For those with a Monday through Friday job, it perhaps is different, but as a farmer, this strategy has been question more than once.
As we walk through this valley, it can be difficult and at times we wonder if the pain that comes with it is really worth it. We can wonder what the purpose is, but God always has a reason. Though it can be easy to overlook, our actions do have an impact on others. Though their response and even their words at times can be hard to endure, God is working through our example. He might change them by the way we live, the things we do and the words we say.
Though we don't know how He will use this in others' lives I'm beginning to see how He changes me as I walk thru the valley. These difficult times remind me I can't do this thing called life on my own, I need Him, His strength, His peace, His presence. Without Him I am nothing.
Another lesson is one our pastor brought up last week - as Christians we must expect persecution. Jesus faced it and as His followers we will do the same. As he preached he encouraged us to stop and look at our lives to see if we really were being persecuted. Now being misunderstood, labeled and rejected don't compare with what some in this world are facing, but in our society that is what we deal with. Though I don't like those things, he reminded me that blessed are the persecuted!
Finally one last thing - I once heard someone say, "The valley - that's where the fruit grows!" I feel like I'm on way out of the pit of depression and pray God continues to move me in that direction. And as I look back over the past month as I've walked thru the valley I can now see the truth to the above statement. Though days were hard and many, many tears cried, He has done something. As I opened up with a few friends, those relationships were made stronger. He strengthened my faith and desire to know Him. Someday I pray the fruit that is growing now will be of benefit to someone else when they are in the valley.
So as you walk through the valley, keep looking up and laying the burdens (whatever they may be) down. Like David remember, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." He is there my friends, rest in Him wherever you may be.
The other day I was thinking about Psalm 23 and the words I have said so often, "Yea, though I walk through the valley..." I know David goes on to say "of the shadow of death" but here lately I've felt as though I was in a valley. Not necessarily one created by death, but instead life's events.
As some of you are aware, I am in the process of publishing a book - the idea sounds wonderful, but it's not seen that way by some. Those who don't understand my faith and desire to please God can't comprehend why I'm sharing these stories with the world. At times what some view as a mountain top experience leaves me feeling like I'm in the valley.
Just last week, my husband and I were part of some meetings for homeschool parents. Our oldest just finished kindergarten so we are new to this, but we've witnessed and appreciated the opportunity to teach our son and train him in God's ways. The blessing doesn't come without a cost though - again not everyone understands this decision and as our local public school struggles with rapidly declining enrollment many don't appreciate it. Life can be hard when we are misunderstood and walking through the valley can be a challenge when it seems we're letting others down.
Then there's just the daily things that come with trying to live a Christian life. I tend to be a people pleaser and it can be hard to deal with the thoughts of what others are thinking. God has brought me a long ways on that, but still I'm human and don't like to feel misunderstood by others. In the world we live in today though that is going to happen when we try to live Christ-like. Just the other day my husband and I were talking about not working on Sunday. For those with a Monday through Friday job, it perhaps is different, but as a farmer, this strategy has been question more than once.
As we walk through this valley, it can be difficult and at times we wonder if the pain that comes with it is really worth it. We can wonder what the purpose is, but God always has a reason. Though it can be easy to overlook, our actions do have an impact on others. Though their response and even their words at times can be hard to endure, God is working through our example. He might change them by the way we live, the things we do and the words we say.
Though we don't know how He will use this in others' lives I'm beginning to see how He changes me as I walk thru the valley. These difficult times remind me I can't do this thing called life on my own, I need Him, His strength, His peace, His presence. Without Him I am nothing.
Another lesson is one our pastor brought up last week - as Christians we must expect persecution. Jesus faced it and as His followers we will do the same. As he preached he encouraged us to stop and look at our lives to see if we really were being persecuted. Now being misunderstood, labeled and rejected don't compare with what some in this world are facing, but in our society that is what we deal with. Though I don't like those things, he reminded me that blessed are the persecuted!
Finally one last thing - I once heard someone say, "The valley - that's where the fruit grows!" I feel like I'm on way out of the pit of depression and pray God continues to move me in that direction. And as I look back over the past month as I've walked thru the valley I can now see the truth to the above statement. Though days were hard and many, many tears cried, He has done something. As I opened up with a few friends, those relationships were made stronger. He strengthened my faith and desire to know Him. Someday I pray the fruit that is growing now will be of benefit to someone else when they are in the valley.
So as you walk through the valley, keep looking up and laying the burdens (whatever they may be) down. Like David remember, "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." He is there my friends, rest in Him wherever you may be.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
It's not always easy...
Sometimes I feel as though others can look and think my life is grand - they are excited I'm writing a book, expecting a child and enjoying life with my wonderful family. All of these events are true, but they don't translate to an easy life.
Just this past Friday I quit denying the reality of the struggle that is taking place. As I met with one of my best friends, who is also the co-author of the book, our talk shifted from typos and spelling errors to what felt like a big mistake in my life.
She sensed something wasn't right and asked, "What's wrong Jill? Are you having second thoughts?" Leanne is aware that not everyone, including close loved ones, is in favor of me publishing a book that chronicles a faith they don't understand. I'm sure worry about what they think and how they will react is part of the recent struggle, but over the last couple of weeks I've realized it is more than that.
You see 10 years ago I walked through a valley of clinical depression and took medication, but in the 9 years since I've accepted Christ and through His strength didn't need the medication any longer. Everything hasn't always been rosey, as life always has ups and downs, but the extremes of emotions, thoughts of worthlessness and feeling of being overwhelmed have just now returned.
I denied it for awhile and chalked it up to pregnancy hormones, but I'm afraid it's more than that. As I wrestled with this I felt like a failure, thinking here I am about to publish a book and share my faith with the world and I'm in a place of doubt. I felt so week and messed up. It seemed if my thoughts were disappointing me, it was only natural they'd have the same effect on everyone else.
That line of thinking caused me to do exactly what satan wants - close myself off from those who love me most. I felt myself keeping conversations on the surface and pretending things were alright. I mean - God has blessed me with a great husband, wonderful kids, a baby on the way, the privilege to serve Him - life should be great, so I started acting like it was.
All last week I knew that was wrong, which only caused me to feel worse. Here I was encouraging others to be real, trust in God's plan and what was I doing? Obviously not practicing what I was preaching. And the realization of that almost drove me further down - it seems when your mind is low, it doesn't take much to push it even further down.
Wednesday was the worst day - I felt if I had no purpose what so over, like everyone would be better without me - yeah, I might be missed, but the lies in my head seemed to out weigh the truth, so I found myself in tears quite often throughout the day.
My kids saw it, but I was amazed at how fast I slipped back into old ways and played the "fine" game as I talked with friends on the phone. I was denying the truth and falling deeper in the pit.
Until Thursday morning, when God used a unique experience to really grab my attention and prove to me my thinking was wrong and this was more than pregnancy hormones. My 6 and 4 year old had rescued a wild baby bunny four days earlier, but Thursday morning our son checked on "Jenny" and walked back into the kitchen with tears and delivered the message, "She died." Instantly Joy was crying as well and soon I would be too.
We went outside to bury her next to Dorothy, the goldfish that actually died last August on the same day as our miscarriage. Pain from the loss of their fish and my baby came back as Job dug the hole. J.D. then placed the bunny they knew for a short while, but loved from the depths of their hearts.
As they stood and looked at her one last time and whispered their good-byes, tears fell to the ground - not just from their little faces, but from mine as well. It's hard to write these words, but I sensed God telling me, "See their pain, they can't say good-bye to you." I cried hard too, I think they were surprised I was sooo sad to say good-bye to a little critter that made me scream days earlier in the kitchen! They didn't need to understand, but I got God's message.
I couldn't deny the pain any longer. I was heading in the wrong direction and it wasn't a place He wanted me to go. He has a plan and in that I have a purpose. Though at times I feel I have no worth, He knows my value.
So I answered Leanne's question and the tears began to fall. She listened, but didn't judge. I shared and she reassured. I cried and she did too. After talking I no longer felt alone or ashamed and I once again sensed God's presence.
Tuesday I have my next pre-natal visit and I will share with the Dr. the events of the past, I'm no longer afraid and wanting to hide the pain. So I share with you as well. I appreciate your prayers as I know I'm not magically better and this will be a process. But I also know I'm not alone in my struggles, so if you're in a similar situation, please, I pray talk with someone. I know it's hard - I avoided doing so myself. Though it's not easy, it is right. God didn't create us to walk alone, He is there to help and I found He works through those who are close to me. If someone like that is not available for you, email me (jillberan@yahoo.com), I'm willing to listen and honored to pray.
Remember no matter what battle you are facing, it's not easy, but God is on our side and the victory has already been won. Keep holding on and looking up! (Those words are for me, just as much as they are for you!)
Just this past Friday I quit denying the reality of the struggle that is taking place. As I met with one of my best friends, who is also the co-author of the book, our talk shifted from typos and spelling errors to what felt like a big mistake in my life.
She sensed something wasn't right and asked, "What's wrong Jill? Are you having second thoughts?" Leanne is aware that not everyone, including close loved ones, is in favor of me publishing a book that chronicles a faith they don't understand. I'm sure worry about what they think and how they will react is part of the recent struggle, but over the last couple of weeks I've realized it is more than that.
You see 10 years ago I walked through a valley of clinical depression and took medication, but in the 9 years since I've accepted Christ and through His strength didn't need the medication any longer. Everything hasn't always been rosey, as life always has ups and downs, but the extremes of emotions, thoughts of worthlessness and feeling of being overwhelmed have just now returned.
I denied it for awhile and chalked it up to pregnancy hormones, but I'm afraid it's more than that. As I wrestled with this I felt like a failure, thinking here I am about to publish a book and share my faith with the world and I'm in a place of doubt. I felt so week and messed up. It seemed if my thoughts were disappointing me, it was only natural they'd have the same effect on everyone else.
That line of thinking caused me to do exactly what satan wants - close myself off from those who love me most. I felt myself keeping conversations on the surface and pretending things were alright. I mean - God has blessed me with a great husband, wonderful kids, a baby on the way, the privilege to serve Him - life should be great, so I started acting like it was.
All last week I knew that was wrong, which only caused me to feel worse. Here I was encouraging others to be real, trust in God's plan and what was I doing? Obviously not practicing what I was preaching. And the realization of that almost drove me further down - it seems when your mind is low, it doesn't take much to push it even further down.
Wednesday was the worst day - I felt if I had no purpose what so over, like everyone would be better without me - yeah, I might be missed, but the lies in my head seemed to out weigh the truth, so I found myself in tears quite often throughout the day.
My kids saw it, but I was amazed at how fast I slipped back into old ways and played the "fine" game as I talked with friends on the phone. I was denying the truth and falling deeper in the pit.
Until Thursday morning, when God used a unique experience to really grab my attention and prove to me my thinking was wrong and this was more than pregnancy hormones. My 6 and 4 year old had rescued a wild baby bunny four days earlier, but Thursday morning our son checked on "Jenny" and walked back into the kitchen with tears and delivered the message, "She died." Instantly Joy was crying as well and soon I would be too.
We went outside to bury her next to Dorothy, the goldfish that actually died last August on the same day as our miscarriage. Pain from the loss of their fish and my baby came back as Job dug the hole. J.D. then placed the bunny they knew for a short while, but loved from the depths of their hearts.
As they stood and looked at her one last time and whispered their good-byes, tears fell to the ground - not just from their little faces, but from mine as well. It's hard to write these words, but I sensed God telling me, "See their pain, they can't say good-bye to you." I cried hard too, I think they were surprised I was sooo sad to say good-bye to a little critter that made me scream days earlier in the kitchen! They didn't need to understand, but I got God's message.
I couldn't deny the pain any longer. I was heading in the wrong direction and it wasn't a place He wanted me to go. He has a plan and in that I have a purpose. Though at times I feel I have no worth, He knows my value.
So I answered Leanne's question and the tears began to fall. She listened, but didn't judge. I shared and she reassured. I cried and she did too. After talking I no longer felt alone or ashamed and I once again sensed God's presence.
Tuesday I have my next pre-natal visit and I will share with the Dr. the events of the past, I'm no longer afraid and wanting to hide the pain. So I share with you as well. I appreciate your prayers as I know I'm not magically better and this will be a process. But I also know I'm not alone in my struggles, so if you're in a similar situation, please, I pray talk with someone. I know it's hard - I avoided doing so myself. Though it's not easy, it is right. God didn't create us to walk alone, He is there to help and I found He works through those who are close to me. If someone like that is not available for you, email me (jillberan@yahoo.com), I'm willing to listen and honored to pray.
Remember no matter what battle you are facing, it's not easy, but God is on our side and the victory has already been won. Keep holding on and looking up! (Those words are for me, just as much as they are for you!)
Friday, May 15, 2009
A Child Myself
A story from 3 years ago...
God used my worst shopping trip ever to remind me that I too, am just a child. The story began in a Christian bookstore where my three-year-old son, fifteen-month-old daughter, and I were looking for Mother’s Day gifts. I had debated whether we should stop in the not-so-kid-friendly store, but knew we wouldn’t be in town for a while, so decided to take the risk. We’ve had a few minor struggles during shopping trips, but nothing drastic, so I trusted this day would be the same.
Well, my son, J.D., decided shopping wasn’t his activity of choice, which led to an experience I soon won’t forget. I was holding Joy looking at the cards when he decided to go on an adventure. He headed up the stairs that led to the storage room, labeled for employees only. As I said, “Stop!” J.D. proceeded to do what he always does when trouble is on the way – run! After a look of concern from the clerk, I headed up the stairs and thru a maze of boxes to find my son hiding in the corner. We went back down, I described his future punishment, and then approached the counter embarrassed and feeling like a failure. I apologized to the clerk and she kindly told J.D., “listen to your mom – she knows what’s best.” Then in an attempt to make me feel better, she said something about little boys not being made for shopping. How true!!
I left in a state of anger, but before things hit the boiling point, my emotions shifted to guilt and thoughts of doubt. I asked myself, “What kind of Mom am I? Who lets their child run through the store? Can I do this? Will he ever listen?” Then I was reminded there’s only one perfect parent and when I let God play the role of Father, I am a child myself.
I thought of the times I have also ran when trouble was approaching or when I should speak up, but remain quiet. I recalled mistakes I had made, people I let down, and motives that were wrong. I was reminded of the times I didn’t listen intently – like when J.D. told the same story again and again or when my husband described his hunting trips. I thought of the times when I don’t obey - like when God is leading me in one direction and I choose to go a different way. I thought of how upset I was with my son and wondered what that meant about how God felt towards me.
Then I glanced in the rear view mirror to see J.D. sleeping peacefully. He looked so innocent and at that moment I knew I forgave him. Eventually, I’ll even take him shopping again; maybe in 20 years, but I still believe someday he will obey. He is my son and I will always love him. As I had these thoughts, I remembered I too am a child and my Father loves me even more than I love J.D.
I know how God feels towards me – like any parent, He’s hurt when I go the wrong way, but He also knows lessons are learned when mistakes are made. He forgives me and every morning gives me a chance to try again. Just like I won’t quit on my son, He’s continually molding me into the woman He knows I can become.
Growing up, we dream of answers to the question, “Who will I be?” “A teacher. A doctor. A designer. Maybe a lawyer or engineer. How about a singer or movie star!” The list goes on and on and changes every year. Now I’m an adult and have answers to that question, but I’m thankful my son reminded me of the best answer we can give – “Who am I? A child, a child of God.”
God used my worst shopping trip ever to remind me that I too, am just a child. The story began in a Christian bookstore where my three-year-old son, fifteen-month-old daughter, and I were looking for Mother’s Day gifts. I had debated whether we should stop in the not-so-kid-friendly store, but knew we wouldn’t be in town for a while, so decided to take the risk. We’ve had a few minor struggles during shopping trips, but nothing drastic, so I trusted this day would be the same.
Well, my son, J.D., decided shopping wasn’t his activity of choice, which led to an experience I soon won’t forget. I was holding Joy looking at the cards when he decided to go on an adventure. He headed up the stairs that led to the storage room, labeled for employees only. As I said, “Stop!” J.D. proceeded to do what he always does when trouble is on the way – run! After a look of concern from the clerk, I headed up the stairs and thru a maze of boxes to find my son hiding in the corner. We went back down, I described his future punishment, and then approached the counter embarrassed and feeling like a failure. I apologized to the clerk and she kindly told J.D., “listen to your mom – she knows what’s best.” Then in an attempt to make me feel better, she said something about little boys not being made for shopping. How true!!
I left in a state of anger, but before things hit the boiling point, my emotions shifted to guilt and thoughts of doubt. I asked myself, “What kind of Mom am I? Who lets their child run through the store? Can I do this? Will he ever listen?” Then I was reminded there’s only one perfect parent and when I let God play the role of Father, I am a child myself.
I thought of the times I have also ran when trouble was approaching or when I should speak up, but remain quiet. I recalled mistakes I had made, people I let down, and motives that were wrong. I was reminded of the times I didn’t listen intently – like when J.D. told the same story again and again or when my husband described his hunting trips. I thought of the times when I don’t obey - like when God is leading me in one direction and I choose to go a different way. I thought of how upset I was with my son and wondered what that meant about how God felt towards me.
Then I glanced in the rear view mirror to see J.D. sleeping peacefully. He looked so innocent and at that moment I knew I forgave him. Eventually, I’ll even take him shopping again; maybe in 20 years, but I still believe someday he will obey. He is my son and I will always love him. As I had these thoughts, I remembered I too am a child and my Father loves me even more than I love J.D.
I know how God feels towards me – like any parent, He’s hurt when I go the wrong way, but He also knows lessons are learned when mistakes are made. He forgives me and every morning gives me a chance to try again. Just like I won’t quit on my son, He’s continually molding me into the woman He knows I can become.
Growing up, we dream of answers to the question, “Who will I be?” “A teacher. A doctor. A designer. Maybe a lawyer or engineer. How about a singer or movie star!” The list goes on and on and changes every year. Now I’m an adult and have answers to that question, but I’m thankful my son reminded me of the best answer we can give – “Who am I? A child, a child of God.”
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Me, A Mom?
There was a day when the thought of me being a Mom seemed quite out there! It's not that I didn't want to be - I played house with my younger sisters quite often as a child and then spent many hours babysitting as a teen. But through high school and into college my life was consumed with basketball. Though I enjoyed the game and devoted countless hours to it, my lack of dating bothered me at times.
I think I was 20 before I went on a date and then it didn't happen again until I was 24. During those years I honestly thought marriage and motherhood weren't going to be an option for me. At times that was tough, but I tried to fill my mothering instinct by pouring into the kids I taught and coached.
Well, God had a plan that worked according to His time and not mine. He knew before I could give my life to a man, I had to surrender it to Him and make Christ the love of my life. Shortly after that decision, I reconnected with a guy from my hometown at my sister's wedding in April of 2000. By that November we were engaged and this July we will celebrate 8 years!
In those 8 years many things have taken place with one of the biggest being the fulfillment of a childhood dream! I am a mom! Not only once, but we've been blessed with J.D. who just turned 6, Joy who's 4 and our little Jaylyn who's 2. This past fall the fairy tale took an unexpected turn as we experienced a miscarriage and now have a little one waiting for us in heaven.
But today, on Mother's Day, a day I once questioned if I'd ever celebrate, we announced that God has blessed us once again. I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and we're expecting a little one in October.
Again God is reminding me things go according to His plan and I keep reminding myself His timing is perfect, even when that doesn't seem to be the case. You see at times, quite often actually, this pregnancy has me overwhelmed. More than once I have asked God, "How is this going to work?" I mean I'm already busy with 3, I'm homeschooling one, coordinating MOPS, have a book coming out this summer, I'm helping organize a retreat that's schedule only days after my due date...."HOW?!?"
But today, the day created to honor the ones who play the role of "Mom," I'm reminded that I shouldn't be surprised with this question. My oldest is 6 and I have asked that very question quite often. As I sit here, I recall a poem I once wrote and one line said, "It's not about having all the answers, but sometimes simply listening to the questions."
At the time I was referring to communicating with our kids, but the same is true for the conversations that take place in our minds. It is impossible for me to have the answers, I don't know what the future holds, but as I listen to the question my mind creates I need to remind myself to turn to the One who has the answers.
He may not reveal them for awhile, but I must trust that He will lead me to the place where they will be found. Ten years ago I asked the simple question, "Me, a Mom?" At times I doubted that it would be answered the way I wanted, but God's ways were perfect and I'm more blessed now than I ever imagined.
And though I worry and stress about what the future holds, I trust the one with the answers. In another 10 years I look forward to looking back and seeing how He answers this one!! Then I suppose I'll ask myself another question, "Why were you worried?"
I think I was 20 before I went on a date and then it didn't happen again until I was 24. During those years I honestly thought marriage and motherhood weren't going to be an option for me. At times that was tough, but I tried to fill my mothering instinct by pouring into the kids I taught and coached.
Well, God had a plan that worked according to His time and not mine. He knew before I could give my life to a man, I had to surrender it to Him and make Christ the love of my life. Shortly after that decision, I reconnected with a guy from my hometown at my sister's wedding in April of 2000. By that November we were engaged and this July we will celebrate 8 years!
In those 8 years many things have taken place with one of the biggest being the fulfillment of a childhood dream! I am a mom! Not only once, but we've been blessed with J.D. who just turned 6, Joy who's 4 and our little Jaylyn who's 2. This past fall the fairy tale took an unexpected turn as we experienced a miscarriage and now have a little one waiting for us in heaven.
But today, on Mother's Day, a day I once questioned if I'd ever celebrate, we announced that God has blessed us once again. I am almost 16 weeks pregnant and we're expecting a little one in October.
Again God is reminding me things go according to His plan and I keep reminding myself His timing is perfect, even when that doesn't seem to be the case. You see at times, quite often actually, this pregnancy has me overwhelmed. More than once I have asked God, "How is this going to work?" I mean I'm already busy with 3, I'm homeschooling one, coordinating MOPS, have a book coming out this summer, I'm helping organize a retreat that's schedule only days after my due date...."HOW?!?"
But today, the day created to honor the ones who play the role of "Mom," I'm reminded that I shouldn't be surprised with this question. My oldest is 6 and I have asked that very question quite often. As I sit here, I recall a poem I once wrote and one line said, "It's not about having all the answers, but sometimes simply listening to the questions."
At the time I was referring to communicating with our kids, but the same is true for the conversations that take place in our minds. It is impossible for me to have the answers, I don't know what the future holds, but as I listen to the question my mind creates I need to remind myself to turn to the One who has the answers.
He may not reveal them for awhile, but I must trust that He will lead me to the place where they will be found. Ten years ago I asked the simple question, "Me, a Mom?" At times I doubted that it would be answered the way I wanted, but God's ways were perfect and I'm more blessed now than I ever imagined.
And though I worry and stress about what the future holds, I trust the one with the answers. In another 10 years I look forward to looking back and seeing how He answers this one!! Then I suppose I'll ask myself another question, "Why were you worried?"
Friday, May 8, 2009
A Tribute to Moms
"A Mother’s Love"
It begins even before you are born,
It grows with each internal kick –
She’s never even met you
Yet she already loves you.
Then you are born
And there’s a love she’s never felt.
You are part of her
And she’ll forever be part of you.
Time goes by, you grow older,
Yet she’s there for you.S
he cheers for you and
She hurts with you.
Years pass and others come into your life –
They influence you and even love you, too,
But your mom is always special –
She loved you first.
"Like A Mom"
You weren’t the one who
Cared for me as an infant,
Disciplined me as a child,
Or guided me as a teen,
But thru the years,
You’ve become like
A Mom to me.
I confide in you &
You listen to me.
I ask questions &
You provide answers.
I share struggles &
You give encouragement.
I don’t know what to do &
You offer advice.
I am in need of prayers &
You talk to God for me.
You weren’t the one who
I called Mommy,
But I’m thankful you
Call me daughter.
No matter how many
Years go by,
A Mother’s work
Is never done
And her love
Is always needed.
You weren’t the one who
Cared for me as an infant,
Disciplined me as a child,
Or guided me as a teen,
But thru the years,
You’ve become like
A Mom to me.
I confide in you &
You listen to me.
I ask questions &
You provide answers.
I share struggles &
You give encouragement.
I don’t know what to do &
You offer advice.
I am in need of prayers &
You talk to God for me.
You weren’t the one who
I called Mommy,
But I’m thankful you
Call me daughter.
No matter how many
Years go by,
A Mother’s work
Is never done
And her love
Is always needed.
"A Mother’s Arms"
A newborn enters the world –
Alone in the unknown,
She’s scared and afraid –
Until she’s placed
In her mother’s arms.
A child falls on the rocks –
Hurt while having fun,
He’s crying and upset –
Until he’s held
In his mother’s arms.
A teen-ager hangs up the phone –
Let down by a friend,
He’s misunderstood and feeling unloved –
Until he’s embraced
By his mother’s arms.
A new mom is feeling depressed –
Alone in the unknown,
She’s scared and afraid –
Until she’s wrapped
In her mother’s arms.
The young and the old –
Are all in need
Of the comfort and security
Found in the touch
Of a mother’s arms.
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